


Not Broken, Just Bent

by costsofregret



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-26
Updated: 2013-07-26
Packaged: 2017-12-21 09:23:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/898625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/costsofregret/pseuds/costsofregret
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seven years after Supernatural ends, Jared is living a life far away from Hollywood and the memories of his past. As a Texas high school teacher he thinks his daily life is protected from the heartache that colored the ending of the show, but a chance encounter with a man and his dying brother brings back the ghosts of those years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Broken, Just Bent

**Prologue**

_“We’re fucked up.”_

_Jared shook his head, “Jensen.”_

_“No, this is what we are, Jared. You change like a friggin’ chameleon with the attention span of a gnat. Never know what you are or what you want to be. And me? I don’t even know what I am. I don’t even know me.”_

_“I know you,” Jared whispered. He laid his palm on Jensen’s knee. They were sitting in the airport lounge. It was empty save for a random bartender who seemed to have slipped out sometime after they got there. Jensen moved his leg and Jared’s hand fell away._

_“Don’t.” Jensen warned. “I’m going to LA and you’re going home, to Texas. That’s it.”_

_“But….”_

_Jensen held up his hand, “No. Don’t you get it? You shift your love like you’re playing a fucking chess game. Today you still love me. Tomorrow you’ll love her again.”_

_“That’s not fair.”_

_“Of course it’s not fair. But what the hell do you want? Huh? We’ve been doing this for too long, man. Too long.” Jensen bent his head and took a deep breath. He lifted his eyes and stared at his best friend, his former lover, “It can’t be like that anymore, Jay. You can’t keep changing your mind. It’s not me or her anymore. I’m out.”_

_“Jensen,” Jared reached out and grabbed Jensen’s bicep._

_Jensen shook him away and was about to say something when a monotone voice announced, “Flight 831 to Los Angeles now boarding.”_

_“Stay with me,” Jared pleaded, his voice catching slightly._

_Jensen shook his head, “Jay, please don’t.” Jared watched as Jensen grabbed his bag and headed toward the exit. When he opened the door he turned around and said, “See you Monday.”_

_Jared only heard goodbye._

*******  
When the show ends and the final episode is in the can, they go for a drink down at a local bar, one they often visited after shooting late nights. Since the show occupied much of the greater Vancouver area, they never had a designated spot or watering hole. Instead they chose by happenstance, just as they did that night. The final wrap party was scheduled for the following weekend, and they’d both agreed to stay for it even though much of their lives had already been packed, shipped, and repositioned in other towns, other cities. This drink was theirs and theirs alone.

“To ‘Supernatural,’” Jensen said softly, lifting his glass of beer and tapping it against Jared’s. “It was a helluva run.”

“True. Very true,” Jared agreed. He didn’t drink the beer. He stared down at the liquid, barely detecting his own distorted reflection in its amber mirror.

They sat in silent companionship, every once in a while glancing up and around the room. Their gazes met infrequently; as soon as they would catch each other’s glance one of them would quickly look away. Jared wanted it, this thing between them, to end differently, to not be so broken. When did they stop looking at each other? He didn’t remember. It happened somewhere on the road between bad decisions and goodbye. 

The other cast members and crew had given them a wide berth that day, perhaps understanding the confusing mixture of sadness and achievement that both men wore like their characters’ flannel shirts. The final week had been filled with happiness and fun. The jokes and pranks hit all-time highs as the show skidded towards its last hurrah, but the final shooting day had been different. Everyone seemed to realize that this was the last time they’d all be in the same place at the same time, that this project that had brought them together was now finally letting them go. There was still joy but it was tempered with more melancholy than before.

“So you’re really going back to Texas?” Jensen asked, breaking the silence.

Jared nodded, “Yep. Good ol’ Lone Star, here I come.”

“What are you going to do with the L.A. house, then?” Jensen motioned for another beer. Jared shook his head at the bartender, covering his glass.

Jared watched as Jensen took the next drink, downing half of it immediately. It was going to be one of those nights, he thought with trepidation.

“Gen’s going to keep it for a while, I think. She’s looking for work. She got it in the settlement, so I don’t really know.” Jared knew Jensen was aware of these facts, and he told himself not to get pissed at the other man’s willful ignorance. There were a lot of things Jensen knew but chose to forget.

“Oh,” Jensen replied. Jared looked on as Jensen emptied the glass and ordered another. He was tempted to just get up and leave, to avoid witnessing the downward spiral he was sure would come. But it was their last night alone together, and he couldn’t abandon Jensen, not just yet.

Jensen sped toward drunkenness, and Jared tried to guide him away from the morose words and touches that grew more frequent as the hours passed. 

“It’s really over, huh?” Jensen muttered as Jared maneuvered him through the bar’s exit. 

“Yeah, it is.” he replied, his voice soft with sadness. Jensen leaned against him as Jared pushed his body toward the large SUV. Jared had promised the crew they’d be fine, so there was no driver, just them.

Once he had Jensen strapped into the passenger seat, Jared turned the ignition and drove the car out onto the nearly empty street. He turned the wheel, pointing the car toward the hotel they’d been set up in for the last few months of the series. Jensen hummed a tune, slightly off key, as Jared watched the skyline pass by through the windshield.

“If you’re in Texas, we won’t see each other much.” Jensen shifted his body to face Jared. “I’m not a fan of the home state, you know.”

Jared did know, and he knew why, but Jensen’s issues weren’t his. He nodded, “Yeah, I know.”

“If you’re in Texas, how are you going to continue working? It’s not like Austin is the Hollywood of the Southwest.” Jared heard the slight insult in his co-star’s words. He ignored it.

“We’ve had this discussion, Jensen.” Jared’s voice was hard and solid with resolve. He knew where this was going, and he wanted to stop it before the conversation ended in words best left unsaid.

“Have we?” Jensen lifted his eyebrow. “I don’t remember.”

“Fuck you, man.” Jared turned the car into the hotel parking garage and found the nearest space. He jumped out and didn’t bother to look back. Jensen could find his own way back to his room.

He heard the door slam just as he was getting in the elevator. He reached out and punched the button to their floor and hoped the door would close before Jensen could make it. Unfortunately for him, the older man sprinted toward the elevator. Jared watched as he almost tripped over a car bumper. He sighed and pushed the button to close the door again, but Jensen slipped his body through the doors before they shut, his face beaming with a triumphant smile.

“Only if you ask nicely,” Jensen retorted, but Jared refused to look at him. This was years ago crap, things best left buried under toughened and calloused scars.

Jensen stepped closer, “Come on, you can’t ignore me, Jared. You never could.”

Jared felt his friend’s breath near his ear. He moved his neck slightly, trying to shift away. Patterns are patterns for a reason. “Don’t,” Jared commanded. “Don’t do this, Jensen. You know what will happen, and I’m not ready for that again.”

Jensen huffed, “It’s our last night…”

“So?” Jared turned his face, letting his gaze bore into Jensen’s. He was white hot with anger. “So what if it is? What do you want? One last go ‘round so you can feel like shit in the morning and blame me for it? You want an excuse to hate me more, Jensen? Well, guess what? I’m not giving you that.”

“I don’t hate you,” Jensen replied quietly. Jared was about to respond but the elevator stopped him, its doors whooshing open as they reached their floor. He walked out without another word and made his way to the room. He was sliding the keycard through the lock when he was grabbed and pushed around, his body hitting the door, the knob pressing into his hip. He winced and imagined the bruise it was leaving on his skin.

“What the fuck?” The breath rushed from his body as Jensen slammed him against the door yet again.

“I don’t hate you!” The combination of alcohol and breath mints invaded Jared’s nostrils, making him almost nauseous with the bitter sweetness. “I can’t,” Jensen muttered, his arms falling away. Jared took the opportunity and gently pushed his friend away. He wouldn’t answer violence with violence. They’d done this dance before, and it always ended up in a tangle of arms, legs, and regrets.

“Go to your room, Jensen. Get some sleep. You’ll wake up tomorrow and pretend this didn’t happen. I know I will.” Jared stepped back and silently entered his room. He closed the door and leaned against it.

He stood there and stopped himself from opening it when he heard a soft, “I don’t hate you.”

*******

_Jensen set his bag down on the floor. He was exhausted. The flight had been delayed and he had to be on set in less than three hours. He reached out to flip on the light switch when a movement caught his eye. He knew who it was instantly. He let his hand drop to his side._

_“What are you doing here?” He asked of the shadow._

_“We didn’t finish our conversation,” Jared replied as he stepped into the muted light._

_“Yes, we did,” Jensen replied as he grabbed his bag and headed toward the bedroom, knowing the other man would follow. He ignored Jared as he kicked off his shoes and started to get ready for bed. He could sense the stare but he refused to engage it._

_“How is she?” Jared asked bitterly and Jensen’s head snapped up. He had no right to be bitter. No right at all._

_“Really?” Jensen almost shouted, his tone incredulous. “You’re really going to go here with this? Like you’re some fucking jilted lover? Fuck you.”_

_“Gladly,” Jared responded, his lips turning up into a suggestive sneer._

_“Don’t, Jared. Don’t do this.” Jensen’s voice was quiet. He could feel they were on the cusp of something, one wrong word set to cheapen their whole time together, turn it into something tawdry and unhealthy. He was trying to save what little there was left of them._

_“Do what? Make you talk to me? Make you listen? I’m sorry, okay? Sorry. I don’t know how many times I have to say it, scream it. I fucking am begging you to just….”_

_“Just what?” Jensen wondered aloud. “Just forget you chose your career over us? Just forget you left me hanging out to dry while you played fucking house with a girl you barely knew? Just forget that I nearly gave up everything for you? That I did give up everything for you, Jared. I turned down so many….”_

_“I held you back. Is that what you’re saying?” Jared’s head snapped back._

_Jensen sighed, the fight leaving him. He sat on the bed and looked down at the discarded shoes. He didn’t raise his head as he spoke, “Yeah, Jared. You did. I could’ve left. You could’ve let me leave, but you didn’t. And now we’re here and I can’t go because whatever the hell this is, it’s all I’ve got left.”_

_“We could….” Jared sat down next to him and Jensen felt the soft touch on his thigh. He still stared at the shoes. He didn’t move as the touch turned into a caress, or when the caress turned into an embrace. He just stared at the shoes as he lay on his side, letting the clothes fall away slowly._

_“I love you,” he heard Jared say over and over again. He let the words seduce him, let them burrow into his skin with each kiss, each thrust tattooing them inside his body. He felt the bone-deep sadness of his emotional bondage._

_“I hate you,” he murmured, not sure if he was talking to Jared or himself. He stared down at the floor. The damn shoes needed new laces._

*******  
The party was in full swing as Jared made his way into the crowd. He’d put off attending until the last minute, having picked up the phone at least a dozen times to call and beg off. He couldn’t do it, though. He’d been absent for the last few wrap parties - first for family reasons and then for divorce reasons. With this being the very last one, he’d have felt like a real heel for not going, even though he suspected that Jensen was still directing his anger into drinking and a self-destructive nostalgia that wouldn’t benefit any of them.

He tried to forget Jensen for the moment, letting himself be folded into the goodwill and joy of the party goers. The show was a real accomplishment for so many of them, him included. It was appropriate that they congregated one more time to celebrate what the show had given them and mourned what it would take with it at its end. He smiled and joked with a few crew members as the beers steadily came and went. Jared wasn’t aware of how much he’d imbibed until he felt his peripheral vision slowly dissipate. He shook his head, trying to clear it, as another drink was set before him.

“Feeling good there, Padalecki?” Jared stiffened at the sound of the voice, but his body turned to its owner; his body was always turning toward its center of gravity - Jensen.

“Hey, Ackles, what’s going on?” His voice was too loud, seeming to echo off and through the small corner they were packed into. He tried for casual friendliness, the kind that he’d practiced over the last few years, after everything else.

“We need a pic!” Someone yelled from their side, and both men automatically turned, their faces adopting the patent smiles they’d learned to wear during the first seasons when the fans began taking notice and demanding pictures.

“Pics or it didn’t happen,” someone else snickered, and Jared turned his gaze sharply towards Jensen, who was leaning against his shoulder, his vacant smile so real-looking that Jared marveled at its genius.

After several minutes, he realized that Jensen hadn’t removed his hand. It still rested on Jared’s back, somewhere between his shoulder blades and hips. It was too intimate a gesture, but he couldn’t rid himself of the touch without drawing unwanted attention. He was too drunk to be graceful and so he endured it, straightening a bit to try and put distance between his skin and those fingers, but Jensen just pressed forward, leaning into Jared’s side even more, as if daring the younger man to push him away.

“Hey, Jensen!” Both Jared and Jensen looked over at Misha, who was bringing up all forms of deviant photo manipulations on his iPhone. He held out the device, and a picture of Jensen and Jared as well-built, half-naked, and very close it seemed, at least from the embrace, firefighters stared back at them.

Jensen hissed, “Put that shit away, dude.” Jared felt Jensen’s hand snap back from his body. He wasn’t surprised. A wave of recklessness took hold of him then, and if he were asked later about what possessed him to do it, he’d never be able to explain.

Laughing evilly, he grabbed Jensen’s face and laid a wet, over-the-top kiss on the man’s lips. While everyone looked on and started howling, Jensen’s body stiffened instantly, his muscles tensing because everyone didn’t know the years of anger, mistrust, betrayal, and, yes, love, that was poured into that kiss. Jared assaulted him with the sensations, knowing this would be the final time they touched in such a way.

A few seconds passed before Jared felt Jensen’s forceful shove. Jensen backed up and something dangerous flashed in his eyes before he said, “Get the fuck off me…” He let the rebuke dangle. Everyone went silent for a second. There was an awkward pause before Jensen looked around and in an instant, Jared watched the charming, never do wrong Jensen Ackles emerge.

“I hope one of you all got that on tape ‘cause it’d go for a lot of dough in some corners of the internet.” Jensen gestured between himself and Jared, “But you damn well better share the bootie with us.”

The awkwardness passed just like that and Jared heard the chuckles as the group moved onto talking amongst themselves.

Misha caught Jensen’s attention then, and Jared didn’t follow as his two co-stars moved away, finding another small enclave to chat in. He wound his way slowly toward the exit, hoping to duck out without too much fanfare. It was past midnight, and while he’d scheduled his flight to Austin later in the morning, he still needed sleep because with layovers, he wouldn’t arrive in Texas until well into the following evening. He was just about out of the door when Misha caught him by the arm.

“Leaving so soon?” The shorter man stood with his back toward the room, shielding Jared from the crowd, but Jared could see that Jensen was making his way to them.

“What’s going on?” Jensen asked as he came near.

Jared looked at the door instead of Jensen and replied, “I’m heading out. Flight’s tomorrow and I need sleep.”

“But it’s the last night,” Misha murmured, and Jared was reminded of that confrontation several nights before. He glanced at Jensen, who was looking back at him with an expression that said he remembered, as well.

“Let him go, Misha.” Jensen stepped between them. “I’m gonna head out, as well. My flight’s not until later in the day, but Jared’s right. We need some sleep.” He turned and stared at Jared, “And it’s been a tough week.”

Misha looked at them, his eyes shifting back and forth, and Jared felt himself and Jensen being read. He had no idea what went on in Misha’s mind, and, frankly, he didn’t want to know. Finally, their co-star nodded. “Right. I get it. Totally understand.” He motioned his head toward the room, “I’ll give your regards. But you better go before they figure it out and try to hogtie you into staying.” He smirked, “Of course, that might be fun to watch…”

“Save it for the fanfic,” Jared retorted and slipped out the door. He walked briskly away from the bar. Luckily, it was close to the hotel so he didn’t need to drive or call a taxi. The cold air nipped at his face as he rushed towards the high-rise. He would not miss the Canadian spring, which tended to hold tight to its winter lover for too long. He tried to ignore the heavy footfalls behind him, but he sensed Jensen’s presence, his gait slightly slower but still quick enough to keep up.

Jared stopped suddenly, “Please don’t.” He didn’t know what he was asking, just that he needed Jensen to stop being this way. This was really their last night. He wanted to remember them with affection, not dread. But it seemed Jensen just wanted to push them over whatever edge they were sitting on.

“Don’t what?” Jensen shoved his hands into his jean pockets and Jared almost gasped. He looked so young like that, like when they first met. It was at that moment he felt it - the years of companionship, the work, the long hours, the life they shared. It was all over. Jared nearly bent double with the pain that shot through him. He inhaled deeply, trying to catch the absent breath, as Jensen hurried to his side.

“Jared?” The look of concern on Jensen’s face rocked Jared back on his heels. He wanted so much. So much. It’s never easy to be consumed, to feel consumed, because eventually the consumption tears down walls and decimates whatever is left - and yet, the potent combination of alcohol, nostalgia, and need rocketed through him, shutting down the more rational parts of his brain. He found himself taking Jensen’s hand and almost dragging him to the hotel. Jensen didn’t resist.

Neither said a word as they rode the elevator up to their floor. Jensen just stood quietly and stared at Jared as he slid the lock open. Jared was silent as he led them into the room. The space filled with sounds of clothes slipping down and away from skin, hushed moans of pleasure, and the quiet complicity of one last cowardly act. The silence was their guilt.

Jared laid his head on Jensen’s shoulder as they curved into each other. Their flesh touched everywhere, bodies lying together as one. He placed his hands on Jensen’s cheeks, hoping sense memory would burn into his fingers and let him remember this feeling in years to come when it would be a simple pleasure just to recall. Jensen pressed a kiss to Jared’s palm. He closed his eyes, and Jared watched as he let the feeling overtake him. Jared hitched his body to the rhythm of Jensen’s breath. For those few short hours he vowed to put away the images of wives and children, commitments and promises, careers and futures. Just for this night, their last, he willed them alone in his mind. Let the dawn damn them.

*******

The sunlight filtered into the room through the partly separated drapes. Jared brought his hand up and dropped his arm over his face, trying to cover his eyes. He reached out to pick up his phone and feeling it wasn’t there, he cracked open one eye. Memories from the previous night flooded into his head, and he shot up in bed. Jensen was turned away, the blanket covering his legs, but leaving the rest of his naked body bare to the world, to Jared’s gaze.

Oh, god, Jared thought to himself. This was not good. So not good. He couldn’t go back to that place with Jensen. Without thinking, he grabbed his clothes off the floor, found his phone tucked up underneath the corner of the bed, and quietly put himself together. He did it slowly, not wanting to risk making noise in his urgency. He grabbed the duffle from the hallway and headed toward the door. He’d call the car service when he got downstairs. He stopped in the opened door and turned back to look at Jensen one more time. It was better this way, he told himself. Jensen wasn’t a man for words, never had been. It was an appropriate goodbye.

Jared left quickly, pulling the door closed so that the click was barely audible. He remembered he’d had some clothes still in the closet, but he’d send for them or something.

*******  
 _“Stay with me.”_

_“Always,” Jensen murmured as he flexed his hand around Jared’s. He threaded their fingers together, pulling his lover closer. He breathed in, smelling the slight musk of the room, a combination of sweat and sex and desperation._

_“We’ll be fine, Jared. You’ll be fine.” Jensen whispered, punctuating the words with a soft kiss to Jared’s temple. “I’ll take care of it, okay?”_

_“But what if…” Jared shifted away from Jensen, leaning on his elbow to stare down at him. “What if we can’t hide it? What will we do if they find out?”_

_Jensen shook his head. “No what ifs. We got this. You hear me? We got this.”_

_Jared sighed and sat up. Jensen watched him as he started pulling his clothes on._

_“Where are you going?” Jensen asked as Jared walked toward the door._

_“Home. I need to think, Jensen. I just need…” Jared didn’t look at him but rather his gaze scurried away, chasing the shadows in the room._

_“Whatever you need,” Jensen replied softly and lay back down, refusing to look at the door closing. It felt like watching too many close at once._

**Part One**

** Seven Years Later **

“Mr. Padalecki?”

Jared turned around and looked at the young girl. Her pink-striped hair was fading, but she was now sporting a new nose-ring. He wondered why these trends still persisted among the emo set. The object that caught his eye, though, was the retro “Supernatural” t-shirt that she wore under her black and red flannel. Who wore flannel in a Texas fall?

“Yes, Miss Brookner?” Jared erased the set of terms from the whiteboard while talking to her. He had another class in a few minutes, but civics instead of history, so he needed to set up the lesson. He didn’t have the heart to just dismiss her. Since she’d started watching the show, she stayed after every class and asked a question. He promised her one question a day.

“Do you think Dean was in love with Castiel?”

He turned to her and considered her for a few moments, trying to gauge her reason for asking the question. He remembered the fandom had been split for a long time about these things, which he thought was silly. It was never a show about romance, but he chalked it up to them being on the network that served young teenage girls, and as a high school teacher, he’d learned early on that romance was the note they sung in. His automatic reaction was no, but instead he folded his arms across his chest and lobbed the question back at her, “What do you think?”

For all her bravado, Lulu Brookner was a shy girl. Her coal-black eyes shifted away from direct eye contact. Her teeth worried her bottom lip as she hummed a second before responding, “I don’t know. It gets very confusing in the later seasons.”

“Well, I can tell you that it wasn’t acted with that in mind. How’s that for an answer?”

“Do you still talk to Jensen…I mean, Mr. Ackles?”

Jared sighed, “One question per day, Miss Brookner. Now off to your next class.” He nodded toward the door. She hesitated a moment before scurrying away. He hoped she watched more episodes before Monday’s class. He didn’t want to discuss Jensen Ackles, at all.

“Jared?” He looked up at his name and saw his fellow teacher David Sanders standing in the doorway. The older man was balding slightly, and he had a weird habit of folding his hands over each other in a continuous motion, which reminded Jared of a figure eight or infinity sign. He noted that the hands were moving at warp speed now.

“David?” He picked up the papers and started organizing them as David walked into the room.

“Karen needs to see you,” he said. “I can cover the class while you’re gone.”

“Okay,” Jared shrugged. He handed the lesson plan to his colleague, “Today we start talking about the executive branch. I have a short exercise in there for them. It’s writing, so just give them the prompt and have them answer it. If I don’t get back before the end, have them leave the papers on the desk?”

“Sure,” his colleague nodded. Jared left the room and headed toward Karen Johnson’s office. She was the vice principal, so she resided in the front offices. He was lucky that the classroom he was assigned was in the middle of the first floor, which meant he was far enough away from the entrance to not have to worry about the noise and chatter of those offices. Even though he’d grown up with a mother who was a teacher, he’d never realized how noisy and distracting a school could be, and it never quieted down. Or at least it rarely did.

He nodded at students and faculty as he walked down the hall. The bell rang, and he watched as the population diminished, bodies shuffling themselves into the doors lining the corridor. This was his second year at the school. Actually, it was his third year, if he counted the internship he did for his degree. He was fortunate that the most senior member of the social sciences faculty retired the year he graduated, leaving open a spot that he smoothly transitioned into.

Those years had been hard, filled with studying, and he knew part of it was a total immersion in the details of his life to stave off the emotions he’d not wanted to feel. In the year following the end of the show, he’d thrown himself into college, avoiding everyone but his ex-wife and child. Old friends and cast members tried to contact him, but he’d ignored those calls and emails and was grateful when they finally stopped.

He was still thinking about that year when he walked into Karen’s office. She was staring at her computer screen, typing furiously as she motioned him to sit down. He looked around at the decorations on the wall, a mashup of periodic tables and Asian art pieces.

“So, Jared, how’s it going?” She leaned back in the chair and folded her hands over her lap. He couldn’t help but feel he was in trouble.

“Everything’s good?” Jared asked tentatively, waiting for her to tell him what he was being called in for.

“Good. Good. I was glad to hear you volunteered to oversee the spring production, by the way.” Karen fiddled with her pen.

Jared nodded, “I was happy to help. I did some acting a while back.”

Karen grinned, “Really? I did not know that….” When she’d first interviewed him for the internship, she’d expressed doubts about his ability to teach without being distracted by people recognizing him. Jared had assured her that he didn’t really expect that to happen since he’d left the business to go to university and if it did, he was used to deflecting that kind of attention. Karen had doubted it but gave him a chance, and his third year in, he’d not heard her mention his other life again.

“Well, this was a nice segue into what I wanted to discuss with you.”

“Are you wondering about the spring production?” Jared straightened in his chair, “I don’t have my notes with me, but I can go get them. I think we’ve decided on a Tennessee Williams play, although Shakespeare might be easier since Carol had a lot of costumes and other set parts for those time periods.”

“No, that’s not what I need to talk about, but we’ll do that soon,” Karen looked down at the desk as she took out a sheet of paper. She hesitantly handed it to Jared. “I received this from John.”

John Landon was the school’s principal. At first Jared wasn’t sure why Karen seemed nervous, but as he read through the long email he understood. “No,” he responded, giving the paper back.

“Jared,” Karen began, but Jared held his hand up.

“No, Karen. Sorry. Not gonna happen.”

“Can’t you just meet with the guy? I mean, perhaps he’ll be able to explain more. You know John. He’s never really good at….”

“Seems pretty clear to me. Local rich guy wants to entertain his younger brother with local former TV star. Not gonna happen.” Jared’s voice was hard. He’d left that life behind, and he wasn’t free to the school to be pimped out for public relations and donor glad-handing.

“I’ll let John know,” she responded.

“Good. If there isn’t anything else?” He felt the anger brewing under his skin and didn’t want to take it out on Karen. After her initial reluctance, she’d always continued to seem slightly uncomfortable with his former celebrity life, although she never said anything else after he was hired. On the other hand, John had been almost ecstatic with it until Jared had gently but resolutely told him that he wouldn’t use his celebrity, or what was left of it, to get donations or publicity for the school. He’d work in other ways, like cupcake drives and car washes and all the classic ways of raising money, but he wouldn’t use his “star” status. And really, to Jared, that boat had sailed years ago. Hollywood did not have a memory.

“We’ll go over the details for the spring production next week or so?”

Jared appreciated the change in subject. “Yes, that’d be great.” He got up and, without looking at her again, made his way back to the classroom.

*****

“Hey, Gen.” Jared propped the phone on his shoulder as he organized his exams. It was about 8pm, but he promised his ex-wife he’d call around 6pm her time.

“Hey, honey, how’re you doing?” Her voice was cheerful and light. He enjoyed the little lift in it when she greeted him. He could hear her shuffling something on her end. Then he heard his son’s voice complaining about the food. Must be dinner, he thought.

“Are you trying to feed him healthy food again? You are a cruel and heartless woman,” he teased, and she laughed.

“Oh, yes, I will forever be damned to the pits of hell for my arrogance….You’re going to eat it because if not then you won’t be allowed to watch your show.” Jared loved how she used reason with a ten-year-old. He’d tried again and again to explain the psychology of what it meant to be a boy his age, having his own memories to draw on, but she persisted.

“He says hello, by the way.” He noticed the quiet on her end and suspected she’d walked into another room.

“Tell him that the plans are set for Thanksgiving. Mom and Dad are looking forward to seeing him.”

“You can tell him during your chat this weekend. We got a new HD cam because he wants to show you the art he’s working on in class. Your son’s going to be the next Picasso, at least until next week when he finds baseball and decides he wants to be the next Derek Jeter. He really is your son.”

Jared smiled, “Glad you waited to confirm that. I often wondered.”

“Shut up, ass. So what’s up on your end of the world? Tired of Texas yet? Long for the coolness and hipness of Los Angeles?” It was a variation of a question she always asked. They’d turned his choice to move back to his home state into a running joke a long time ago. He played along.

“Oh, yes, I’m devastated and heartbroken. I miss the smog and the traffic and wearing sunglasses indoors.”

“Hey!” He could imagine her bottom lip jutting out in a pout and grinned. He was forever thankful and blessed that even though their marriage didn’t work, their friendship did. She was the only memento he carried from his former life. He was imagining her pout when she said, “So you won’t believe who I ran into yesterday at the WB studios.”

“Who?”

“Danneel Harris-Ackles,” Gen’s use of her full name was for effect, and Jared couldn’t help but feel the shiver slice down his spine. Guilt, resentment, heartbreak. Danneel’s name was a catalyst in the chemistry of his reaction to all things Jensen.

“How’s she doing?” Jared kept his tone neutral. Gen knew everything. He’d opened his soul and let all the poison drain out one drunken night during the dying days of their marriage. They’d both seen the end by that time, and to this day, she’d never brought that night up, even in the divorce proceedings.

“Good. She looks great, as always. She’s been cast in a pilot and I’ve heard buzz about it, so I’m happy for her. The last few years have been rough for her, you know.” Gen didn’t have to explain. Jensen’s career was solid, not spectacular. He was now in his fourth season as the captain of the Enterprise. He’d capitalized on his genre fame, a prediction that Jensen had made years ago about his future career. 

Jared had thought Jensen would hit the big time, but his co-star had maintained that his was a future of genre television and production. Remarkably, Jensen had been okay with that trajectory. 

“I’m glad to hear it.” Jared responded, but he remembered the scandal that had upended Danneel’s life. 

The pictures of Jensen and his young male co-star had hit the papers right around the show’s premiere. Jensen’s arms had been wrapped around the guy, their heads close together. The series of shots had followed their movements as their closeness turned into a rather hot kiss. Jared had been so angry and hurt. It’d affirmed what he believed for so long, that he hadn’t been special, that his and Jensen’s relationship had been just one of a pattern of affairs his co-star indulged in. He’d never been happier to be away from L.A. and immersed in his studies than he was at that time. It had kept him too busy to reach out, something he’d been tempted to do too many times. It’d kept him from making a fool of himself. He’d spent a week in the bottle after the pictures were published, and in a fit of rage had destroyed his cell phone, preventing himself from making desperate phone calls to Jensen.

“She invited me out to the house for a playdate with the kids,” Gen’s voice held a hesitant note and Jared understood why. She wasn’t asking permission but she wanted to know if he was okay with it. If he were honest, he’d have said no he wasn’t. He didn’t want their kids socializing. He’d long since given up on any connection between them beyond memories. Even his mother had learned to stop asking about Jensen. But his own selfishness smacked him in the face. He should be a better person, he told himself.

Jared sighed, “Gen, don’t worry about it. I’m sure the kids would love to meet and hang out. And it’d be nice for you to catch up.” While they hadn’t been best buddies, the two women had gotten along for most of their time together. Although the scandal wasn’t A-level Hollywood stuff, it was juicy enough to hit all the gossip blogs and a corner of the supermarket mags for a few weeks. Danneel had been humiliated, and while Jared knew that she never had any illusions about her husband’s sexual preferences, he’d felt for her when he saw the pics. What Jensen never understood was that Danneel loved him more than she should in ways that were bound to hurt her. She’d been the classic “hoping to change” him lover. Who was he to punish her for things beyond her control? Who was he to punish a companion who ended up in the same directionless boat?

“I know, but I don’t want you to feel awkward, Jared.” It was the first time she’d said anything that remotely indicated her knowledge of their history.

“Well, I won’t promise to host family cookouts, for sure, but I’m not one to deny others, especially kids, because I might feel uncomfortable. Go and have fun.”

“Of course! If your son is involved, I’m sure I will.” The affection she held for their son was amazing and so encompassing. Jared smiled at her enthusiastic love.

They chatted for a few more minutes, mostly going over arrangements for travel and other minutia. He promised to call over the weekend for their video chat and was about to hang up when he said, “Gen.”

“Yeah?”

He didn’t know how to say it so he just spoke from the gut, “Make me a promise?”

“Sure, anything,” she replied.

“Don’t discuss me with Danneel. I mean, not in detail, okay? You can tell her how I am and what I’m doing, but keep it to the surface things, if you don’t mind?” Jared didn’t know why it was important to him. He just knew he didn’t want Danneel carrying information back to Jensen. It could be narcissistic of him. He doubted Jensen cared one way or another, but just in case, he didn’t want to be fodder for dinner conversation between his former co-star and ex-wife. He knew the two of them had remained close, even after the pictures had come out and the divorce had been finalized. He never doubted that would happen. They were best friends before anything else.

“Of course, Jared. Your life is yours and I’ll make sure it stays that way.” Her tone was protective and again he was grateful for their friendship.

“Thanks, love you.”

“Love you, too. Talk to you this weekend.” And with that she hung up. Jared listened to the dead air for a few seconds before setting the phone down.

****  
 _Jensen reached out and laid a hand against his lover’s cheek._

_“Mistake,” Jared whispered against his palm. “This is a mistake.”_

_He knew Jared was right. It was too complicated, too messy. But he couldn’t bring himself to care. He dipped his head lower, placing a tender row of kisses down the firm stomach, moving even lower until he had reached his destination. All roads led to here._

_“Don’t,” Jared pleaded, but they both knew it was a false protest. He stopped, waiting for the body to shift away and when it didn’t, he bent forward, letting skin rest against skin._

_His hand drifted away, falling towards the bed when another hand grabbed it, holding it firm. He felt their hands curve around each other’s, their fingers lacing together, and he squeezed, trying to hang on._

_“I love you, you know.”_

_“Don’t.”_

_It was the most painful joy he ever felt._

_Tomorrow could judge him, but the night owed him this much._

****

“Mr. Padalecki? What’s _habeas corpus_?”

“Well, that’s a good question, Jack. What is it? Anyone want to help Jack out here?”

Jared looked around the room and several hands went up. He motioned for Lulu to speak and she didn’t disappoint. Ever since she’d started watching the show and asking him her questions, she’d slowly began interacting more in the class. He wasn’t sure how the two were connected, but he did know that every answer eventually led to her using “Supernatural” as some kind of evidence.

“And it’s like in the episode ‘Jus in Bello’ when Henricksen….”

“Okay, I think we got it, Lulu.” Jared interrupted before she could delve into her idea. The other kids had expressions ranging from amusement to annoyance. He looked at the clock and realized they had less than a minute left. “So next week, bring in your essay drafts for the U.S. Civil War papers. We’ll workshop them and you’ll hand the finals in next Wednesday.”

He expected the groans that met his instructions, but they were drowned out by the loud buzzing of the bell. He turned to start erasing the board when he saw Lulu approach. He was anticipating a season three question since she mentioned “Jus in Bello.” Today she was wearing a t-shirt with a very young Jensen on it. He shook his head, “Yes, Miss Brookner?”

She was just opening her mouth to speak when another voice filled the classroom, “Mr. Padalecki, may I speak to you for a moment?”

Jared looked over and saw John standing in the doorway. The principal looked at Lulu, his eyes telling her to leave. Jared felt a wave of protectiveness for the young girl. It wasn’t that John was a bad guy, but years of being a disciplinarian had made his features more stern than kind. Jared smiled at Lulu and promised, “It’s okay. Monday you can have two questions.”

She smiled widely at that and he teased her, “Make sure they’re good ones!”

“Will do!” She exclaimed and bounced toward the door. She held herself up though when she neared John, passing by him with her head down.

“John, what can I do for you?” Jared asked. He turned toward the man and folded his arms across his chest. He had a feeling he knew what this was about. Karen had somewhat warned him a few days earlier that John wasn’t happy Jared declined the email invitation.

“Kevin Drake and his brother are in my office. I’d like you to come and meet them.”

Jared tamped down the instant retort, which consisted of hell and no. He was stunned that John had the gall to invite them to the school and was trying to think through his reaction when John said, “They just showed up, Jared. Believe me, I know how you feel, and while I think it’s silly to waste your influence, I do understand it. But since they’re already here, I thought I’d try. If you say no, then I’ll just tell them to leave.”

Jared wasn’t sure if John was being sincere. His years in the entertainment business had made him hyperaware of other people’s motivations, to the point of a cynicism he tried hard to quell. He looked over at John. The highbrow line was concentrated in a semi-perpetual scowl, and Jared suspected that his thick hair was in part fake. He was tall, not as tall as Jared, but over six foot. He considered the man for several moments and then made his decision.

“After my civics class, I’ll come down to the office, if they wait.” Jared was surprised by his own answer, but in an effort to be civil and to not let the cynical part of his nature win out, he agreed.

John also seemed surprised judging by how his eyebrows raised, occupying a good chunk of his brow region, “Really?”

Jared instantly regretted his acquiescence. He hoped John wouldn’t take it as a sign that he’d agree to other such projects. He warned John, “Just this once. They’re here, and I don’t want to seem rude. But whatever they want beyond my autograph is not available. I told you that part of my life is in the past, and that’s where it’s staying.”

“I understand,” John replied, his shoulders sagging a tiny bit in disappointment. Better to have it out there, Jared thought, then to let John think it was the beginning of something else. “I’ll see you in an hour?”

Jared nodded and went back to his work. Students started milling about and he didn’t watch as the principal exited. He waited for the bell to ring and then called the class to order.

****

Jared breathed deeply before knocking on the hardwood door. He was standing outside John’s office. It was later than he expected, and a part of him hoped that the guy and his brother had given up and left. Several students had cornered him about their papers after class and he’d spent part of his free block trying to calm their nerves. It was a junior-level class and unlike the seniors, many of them were panicking about grades because they wanted to look good for their application packets next fall.

“Come in,” he heard and opened the door. The first thing he saw was a younger man, perhaps in his late twenties or early thirties, standing near the window. John was sitting in his desk chair.

“John?” he queried and walked fully into the room. He looked around, expecting another occupant, but it was only the two men. “Sorry, I was running late. Students caught me,” he offered.

“No problem, Jared. I’d like you to meet Kevin Drake,” he gestured toward the man in the corner, who turned at his name. Jared was taken aback for a second. The guy was quite handsome with vivid blue eyes and dark, slightly curly hair. He was shorter than Jared but he was built with a runner’s body. He could’ve easily been an actor, that was the level of handsome he possessed. Jared recalled vaguely that his wealth was inherited. He wasn’t surprised. Along with his good looks, this guy’s posture screamed rich. Having been around enough high class residents during his time in L.A., Jared could tell a rich man just by the angle of his shoulders and the set of his hips.

“Mr. Padalecki,” Kevin stretched out his hand and Jared took it instinctively. It was a strong handshake.

“Jared, please.” He looked around the room, “Is your brother here?” God, he hoped it was his brother because even though he was a good looking guy, the thought that Kevin was the fan kind of creeped him out.

“He went to the restroom,” Kevin smiled. “He’ll be back in a few. Before he comes back, though, I’d like to explain a few things. John told me about your concerns in meeting with us, and I understand. I just….”

His words were cut off by the door opening. A slight body entered the room. Jared held his reaction but inside he gasped. The boy, perhaps a year or two older than his own son, entered the room. He was small, his arms covered in a bulky sweater, which was out of place in the warm Texas November air. His head was shaved, but Jared recognized it was not the style of a teenager going through a phase but rather the hairless remnant of chemotherapy. The deeply set blue eyes stared back at him with a combination of wonder and joy, which oddly juxtaposed the almost bruised white skin that lurked above the boy’s cheekbones. Oh, no, Jared thought.

He turned his gaze to John and willed his discontent toward the man. Low fucking blow, he thought. Low fucking blow. The principal could’ve warned him.

“Jared, this is my brother, Sam.” Of course, Jared thought. Of fucking course. He couldn’t write this shit more aptly.

Sam smiled at him, his eyes lighting up as he moved forward. His steps were quick as he held out his hand. Jared found himself returning the smile in full.

“Sam,” he nodded and took the hand, being careful not to squeeze too hard.

“It’s you!” Sam laughed and Jared looked over at Kevin, whose look of love and happiness made Jared feel for the guy. He loved this kid, a lot.

“It is me, for sure,” Jared made his voice smooth and calm as he gestured toward the couch. John had it there for parents. “Want to sit down?”

“This is so cool,” Sam said a little too loud as they settled down on the cheap fabric.

“Sam, inside voice,” his brother chuckled. But Jared knew it was a humorous rebuke. The room fell silent except for Sam, who spent the next twenty minutes gushing over “Supernatural” and Sam Winchester. Jared listened and was reminded of how much the show was loved by its fans. He was forever amazed that Kripke created something so deep and moving and which still had stalwarts after all this time. He’d never had the same connection to the story as their fans, but that was partly due to the issues behind the scenes, his own drama unfolding simultaneously alongside Sam Winchester’s. He thought his own was the more important story at the time.

“So you think there’ll ever be a movie?” Sam asked and Jared snapped out of his reverie.

“No, I think it ended where it should’ve.” It was his pat answer to any question like that. Jared had heard rumors every once in a while about a possible film, but he had yet to be approached, and even if he had been, his answer would be a categorical no.

“That’s too bad,” Sam muttered, his tone sad. “I’d like to see Sam and Dean together one more time.”

“Sam,” Kevin interjected, “I’d like to have a few minutes to speak with Mr. Padalecki alone, if that’s okay?”

The young boy nodded and looked at Jared, “I know you’re busy, but maybe I could come back and see you sometime?”

Everything in Jared wanted to decline, but the hopeful expression on the kid’s face wouldn’t let him. For so long he’d disconnected his past from his present and future, and having it all brought back to him in the form of a dying child was almost too much. Again, his selfishness stared back at him. “Sure, Sam,” Jared replied, placing his hand gently on the boy’s shoulder.

“Yes!” Sam fist pumped. He got up and Jared noted the boy’s slow gait as he left the room with John.

“Thank you, Jared. That was generous of you, and I appreciate it.” Kevin took the seat that his brother vacated. He stared at Jared before continuing, “I’d like to talk to you about an idea.”

Jared’s hackles rose but he let the man go on.

“I know that you used to attend conventions, back when you were on the show. I’d like to host a ‘Supernatural’ convention in Austin,” Kevin explained.

“No,” Jared’s automatic response was quick. He didn’t mind meeting with the guy’s brother, but this was too much. He wouldn’t agree to have that part of his life intrude on this part.

“Just hear me out, ‘k?” Kevin’s voice turned to honey and Jared could see the businessman emerge. Perhaps he wasn’t just a trust-fund baby.

Jared scoffed, “I’m not sure you understand, Mr. Drake. I am not in the business anymore. At all.”

“I’m not asking you to return to show business, Jared. I’d like to do the convention for the Children’s Hospital Cancer Ward. I’d pay your fees and any for other cast members, of course. And the proceeds would go to a wing that I’d like to name for my parents.”

Jared shook his head, “I’m sorry, Kevin, but I’m not interested.” He got up and moved toward the door. “If you bring Sam back, just let me know the time so I can make room in the schedule. The front office has my teaching times, so get those from them.”

Kevin looked as if he were going to say something else but when he saw Jared’s expression, he seemed to think better of it. “Sure,” he replied. “I’ll get the times from the secretary. Again, I appreciate your willingness to spend time with Sam.” He offered his hand and Jared took it.

“My pleasure,” Jared said and headed out. He nodded to Sam and John on his way back to class. Sam waved excitedly, promising to see Jared soon.

*****

_“You always do this!” Jensen screamed. They were behind the bar, having stumbled into the deserted back alley. The tension was palpable between them throughout the night. The drinks didn’t help._

_“What do you want from me?” Jared yelled back. “I can’t be what you want, man. You know that.”_

_“Don’t you fucking do that! You were the one who made this decision! You, not me.”_

_The pain was eating him alive, riding through his veins and infecting every part of him. He wanted to lash out, punch Jared, make him feel something._

_“Can’t we just have this?”_

_Jensen felt the touch, the hand sliding down his arm. He wrenched his body away, “Fuck you. What is this? It’s fucked up and wrong.”_

_Jared’s head snapped back. He lowered his gaze before whispering, “It’s us.”_

_He didn’t know how to respond. They stared at each other for a moment before he replied, “Don’t!”_

_He walked back to the entrance, but something stopped him. He turned around and his former lover stood there, his deep set eyes blown wide with pain._

_“Can’t we just have this?” Jared asked again._

_Jensen felt himself crumbling inside. Before he thought about it, he ran back, pushing the man’s body into the wall, crushing their lips together. It was a kiss of desperation._

_“If this is all it can be, please god, let it end,” he begged even as he moved his hand lower, pulling down the Jared’s zipper._

**Part Two**

Several weeks later, after the Thanksgiving holiday had passed, Jared got a call from an unknown number. He hesitated before answering. Years of fan invasions into his privacy had taught him well. When he did pick up, he was surprised to hear Kevin Drake’s voice. He hadn’t seen or heard from the man since that office visit in early November.

“Jared? This is Kevin Drake.” Kevin’s voice sounded off and Jared wondered what had happened.

“Kevin? How can I help you?” He didn’t bother to ask how the guy got his number. Wealth buys a lot.

“I…uh…well…Sam’s in the hospital, and I was wondering if you might, if you would, come to visit him?” Jared then understood Kevin’s tone. It was somewhere between exhaustion and anxiety.

Jared looked at the clock. It was 5:30. He’d just gotten home and was bone-tired from the last few weeks. The holidays had been stressful with his family and travel and then he was back in class readying for the end of the quarter, which butted up against the Christmas holidays. This year he was planning on staying in Texas while Gen took their son to her family’s place. He loved seeing his family and loved having his son with him, but the physical and emotional aftermath was sometimes brutal. 

He shook himself and nodded, “Sure. Where are you?”

Jared wrote down the address and room number, promising to be there within the hour. He felt empathy for Kevin, to see his brother disappear not through age but through sickness. He couldn’t imagine. He’d shared the story with Gen during one of their phone conversations, and she had almost cried. He understood her reaction. Once someone becomes a parent, every child is potentially theirs. He’d also told her about the convention idea and, surprisingly, she’d scolded him for his immediate reaction.

“It was an important show to a lot of people, Jared. I know it wasn’t the best time for you, but overall when you look back on your life, you’ll see that they were some of your best years. You have to stop remembering it through one jaded lens. That show gave you family, money, and love, in whatever form it came in.”

He’d felt shamed by her comment. She was right. There’d been a lot of good things that happened to him because of the show. He forgot that at times because it was easier to remember the bad stuff. The bad stuff protected him from feelings he’d had yet to really unpack. They were luggage he kept by the door of his mind. He still wasn’t comfortable with the convention idea and had no plans to agree to it, but this would give him the opportunity to apologize to Kevin for his apparent rudeness and let him explain why he resisted, not going into too much detail, of course.

When he entered the hospital, he was struck by the quiet. He stopped at the front desk and the security guard directed him to the children’s wing. He looked down at the post-it note as he walked through the corridor, periodically checking the room numbers. He found Sam’s room and tapped on the slightly opened door. He stuck his head in and was surprised to find Sam lying still on the bed, the machines hooked up to his arms. He looked frailer than when Jared met him. He noticed Kevin right away, sitting next to his brother’s bed. The low hum of the television caught his attention and he looked up. His own face was staring back at him, paused in mid-expression. It was season four, he guessed, telling by the hair style.

“He was watching when he fell asleep, so I just stopped it. He gets upset if I watch it without him.” Kevin explained, nodding toward the tv.

“Ah, well, it’s always better to watch with friends. The fans used to say they found it more fun to watch the show in groups or online at the same time so they could talk about it immediately.” Jared slid the door closed behind him and approached the bed. “How long has he been out?”

“About a half hour or so. I’ll wake him up in a few minutes.”

“Oh, you should just let him rest,” Jared said, but Kevin chuckled.

“Oh, no, he’d never forgive me if you came to visit and he didn’t get to see you.” Kevin laid his hand on Sam’s. It was a small touch, but Jared saw that Kevin was just as frail as Sam, broken somewhere inside.

“Well, I did want to explain something, so this is as a good time as any,” Jared started. “I’m sorry if my refusal of the convention plan seemed rude. I didn’t mean it that way. I loved the show when I worked on it and loved meeting the fans, but that Jared is so far in the past for me, and I’m not sure I want or can dig him back up, even for a good cause.”

Kevin nodded, “I understand. I was just hoping, you know?” He looked at his brother, “He was diagnosed with lymphoma shortly before my parents died. They were just figuring out their own way to deal with…” Kevin dropped his hand and turned his gaze toward Jared, “They died in a car crash on the way back from the hospital. I was in college, so this was all new to me. I’ve tried everything, but it just is what it is.”

“I’m sorry,” Jared whispered, but those words sounded trite. How could you console someone losing a loved one, especially one so young?

“Yeah, well, the poor kid was left to cope with dead parents and a disease eating through his system and into his bones. Let’s say the depression was unsurprising.” Kevin pointed toward the television, “But then this came on one morning. And believe it or not, he was beyond riveted. I think this may be the fourth time we’ve watched the series from first to last episode. I’m an expert on a show I think resides somewhere between bad literature and homoerotic porn. My college professors would not be proud.”

“Hey!” Jared chided. “I’ll have you know the homoeroticism is all on you. We did not play it that way.”

“Sure,” Kevin laughed. “Two queens?”

Jared remembered that episode and specifically Jensen’s reaction. He barked out a laugh and then quickly put his hand over his mouth, but it was too late. He’d woken Sam up.

“Kevin?” Sam’s small voice called for his brother. Kevin stepped close and shushed him. Jared was moved by the quiet way Kevin comforted Sam.

“Shh, Sam. It’s me. Look who’s here to see you.”

Sam’s face turned toward Jared. The tired blue eyes looked from him to the television and back again. He smiled brightly, “Jared!”

“Hey, Sam. Kevin called and said you’d like some company so I thought I’d drop by.” Kevin nodded, his lips saying thank you.

“Your hair’s different,” Sam observed. Jared’s hand went to his closely cropped hair. One of the first things he’d done after the show ended had been to cut his hair. He’d kept the short style ever since.

“I liked your other hair,” Sam mumbled, his IV-covered arm reaching up. He laid his palm on his bald head and Jared sighed sadly.

“Well, Sam Winchester’s hair was a pain in the ass to maintain, let me tell you,” he joked. Drawing on some old talents, he stepped close to the bed, sitting gingerly on the side. For the next hour, he regaled the young boy with stories from the show, specifically picking the episode they’d been watching to talk about. It was a rare one that was Sam and Dean light, so it was easy to talk about.

After a while Sam’s eyes started to droop and Jared recognized the signs of impending sleep. He lowered his voice and continued to talk until Sam drifted off. He glanced up at the clock and winced. It was past 8pm. He needed to get home and grade before tomorrow’s set of classes.

When he was sure Sam was fully asleep, he got up and stretched. He heard the bones cracking as his back straightened out. Kevin cringed, “Ouch.”

“Well, there are consequences to years of stunts. Playing Sam Winchester was not a lazy occupation.”

“Thank you for coming, Jared.” Kevin put his hand out and Jared took it. “He’ll talk about this non-stop for days, so that’ll be fun.” He smirked sarcastically.

Jared rolled his eyes, “Okay, I get it. But you know there’re worse things than talking about my magnificence.”

“Oh, there’s not much of an ego in you, I see.” Kevin teased and punched him playfully on the arm.

“Whatever,” Jared retorted.

Kevin smiled at him in what appeared to be the beginnings of a friendship, and Jared had to admit it felt nice. He’d lost a lot of his friends when he chose to stay in Texas, and with school and work, his social life had dwindled to almost nothing. He barely went out except during the few times he saw Gen when she visited or the occasional dinner with colleagues. Granted, he still had old Texas friends, but lives are lives, and many of them had their hands full with kids and wives and work. Even his parents were busy in their post-retirement years, travelling to see their children and taking the chance to visit places they’d never seen. Jared was alone much of the time now.

“I hope you can come back,” Kevin said in all seriousness and Jared was surprised at how much he wanted to. He nodded but couldn’t bring himself to promise.

They didn’t say anything else as Jared left. He hurried down the hall, hoping he’d make it home with time to spare for grading.

****

_The phone rang, and he looked down at the number. A current of joy buzzed along his arms, pricking the hairs to life. He glanced over at his family, who were in various stages of unwrapping the overabundance of presents. His mother looked up and smiled at him._

_He cocked his head toward the door, “I have to take this.”_

_“Sure, honey,” she smirked, and he wondered if she knew. Mothers always seemed to know things even when you tried your best to hide them. He didn’t want her to know. Not because he was ashamed but it was still exciting to think of it as a secret, as his own._

_He darted out the front door and answered, “Hey!” He cringed at the too high, perhaps too loud greeting._

_“Hey yourself! How’s the holiday treating you?”_

_He lowered his voice, “I miss you.”_

_Jared coughed into the phone, “Yeah, me too.”_

_“You should come here,” he whispered. “It’s not too far away. The family would love to see you. Mom asks after you all the time.”_

_“You know I can’t,” his friend responded, a hint of irritation evident in his tone. He knew he should back off, give his new lover space, but he wanted and needed to see him._

_“Yeah, I know,” he finally replied, although they both knew he was lying._

_“God, sometimes you’re too much,” Jared whispered into the phone. Then his voice changed, hardened, “Well, I just wanted to call and wish you a Merry Christmas…we’ll see each other after the break, okay?”_

_Years later Jensen would realize that he took that casual comment as a promise, which had been one of his many mistakes._

****

“Merry Christmas!”

Jared opened the door to reveal Kevin and Sam. Sam had been released from the hospital the previous week. After his initial visit to the hospital, it’d become a daily routine for Jared to stop by and see the young boy. He’d been happy to see the treatment working, to see the energy rush back into the kid’s eyes. Even when he went back home, Sam continued to be part of Jared’s routine. Jared just changed his route and stopped by their house.

“Uh, Merry Christmas?” He was startled by their visit. He’d expected to just spend the day at home quietly. His parents had gone to visit his sister in California. His brother was at his in-laws’. He’d been invited to join Gen and her family, but he didn’t want to intrude on the time they spent with their grandson. They all had good relationships, but he was still an ex-husband.

“Where’s your television?” Sam asked with enthusiasm. He held up a DVD and Jared groaned.

“Oh, no,” he replied, trying to take the package. Sam slipped away and headed into the living room.

“Found it!” Sam yelled and Jared turned back to look at Kevin.

Kevin shrugged, “‘A Very Supernatural Christmas.’ It’s high art.”

“Fuck you,” Jared responded. “That was a badass episode. There were pagan gods.”

“And homoeroticism.” Kevin countered.

“Dude, you should reflect on your need to see the gay in everything,” Jared pointed toward the living room. “If I’m gonna be forced to sit through this, then I’m gonna drink. Want one?”

Kevin shook his head and followed Sam into the other room. When Jared came back, Sam had the DVD set to play. “Is it true that you spiked Jensen’s drink?” Sam asked, waiting for the older man to sit down before pressing play.

“Yeah, I did.” Jared remembered that episode fondly. Kim had laughed his ass off when he figured it out, and they’d kept the take of Jensen’s reaction to the heavily spiked egg nog.

“This is one of my favorite episodes,” Sam whispered, and they all fell silent as it began. Jared had learned that Sam wanted to watch the episodes in relative quiet, every once in a while making a comment or two. Sometimes he asked questions. For the past few weeks, Jared had been re-introduced to his work through the kid’s eyes, and he found that instead of resenting the show, he was enjoying it.

Halfway through the episode Jared looked up and saw Kevin staring down at his younger brother. The man’s fingers rubbed absently at the boy’s back as Sam leaned forward. It was a funny scene, the one where the brothers visit the flower shop and he remembered that Jensen had fun putting the innuendo into that scene, making Sam look like the “girl” in the relationship. Kevin side-eyed Jared and smirked. 

He moved his lips, “Homoerotic.”

Jared replied in kind with a silent, “Fuck you.”

Kevin raised an eyebrow, “Maybe.”

Jared sat there stunned. He’d suspected that Kevin might be gay, especially given his constant ribbing about the show, but he was not prepared for the almost blatant come-on. He coughed and turned his head, returning his attention back to the television.

After the episode ended, Sam asked a series of questions which Jared answered. He even spoke about Jensen’s reactions and timings, finding it easier to talk about his former lover lately, especially to Sam. A buzzing sound interrupted their talk. Kevin grabbed his phone off the coffee table and apologized quietly, saying he had to take the call. He stepped through the sliding glass doors onto the small back deck, leaving Sam and Jared alone.

“Want something to drink? Eat?” Jared wasn’t sure about the kid’s diet, but he figured peanut butter and jelly couldn’t hurt.

Sam shrugged and followed Jared into the kitchen. It was a nice-sized kitchen with an island bar. He motioned for Sam to sit as he grabbed the bread and jars. They enjoyed a companionable silence as Jared fixed the makeshift lunch. Sam leaned back and watched his brother outside the doors. Kevin was talking quietly as he paced the length of the deck.

“He’s my Dean, you know.” Jared’s hand stuttered for a moment as he spread the jelly. He looked over at Sam, who was tracing random patterns on the granite. He didn’t look at Jared as he spoke, “I’m not gonna make it to next Christmas, I don’t think.”

“Don’t say that,” Jared responded immediately. “You don’t know what’s gonna happen.”

Sam smiled at him, and Jared was struck by the innocent wisdom of the expression. “I’m young, but I know some things.”

Jared shook his head and handed the sandwich to Sam, “You have to keep hope going. The treatment seems to be working, right?”

Sam shrugged. His fingers fiddled with the edge of the sandwich. His eyes were downcast as he replied, “I guess, but it’s not a cure. You can’t cure it.”

They ate in silence then, Jared not really knowing how to talk about this kind of stuff. He’d had one or two students over the past few years who’d suffered family sickness and death, but they were never the physical victims of an illness. He was reminded of his own child, and his stomach clenched with all the possible futures, ones of happiness and ones of sorrow.

“Was Jensen yours?”

Jared almost choked on the bread at Sam’s question. “What?”

“Was Jensen your Dean?” Sam looked hopeful and Jared couldn’t find it in his heart to tell him the truth. And Jared wasn’t even sure of the truth anymore. Memories bled into emotions so fully that he wasn’t sure what he remembered and what he didn’t want to forget.

A simple memory assailed him at that moment. Jensen laughing as they threw empty paper cups at each other. It’d been during the fourth season, right before everything went to hell. Jensen’s eyes. Those eyes that danced and played and crinkled up in joy. Those eyes were Jared’s undoing.

“Yeah,” Jared’s voice cracked under the emotion. “He was my Dean.” What he couldn’t say was the truth. For a brief time in his life, Jensen was his everything.

****

The uncomfortable exchange with Sam was thankfully cut short when Kevin came back in. They ate the sandwiches and returned to the living room to watch some more episodes. It was close to 7pm when the two took their leave.

Sam hugged Jared tightly and whispered, “Thank you for the best Christmas ever.”

Kevin smiled down at his brother and Jared felt somewhat like an emotional voyeur. Kevin put his hand out and Jared shook it, “Thanks for letting us crash for a bit. It was a good day.” Jared couldn’t reply. He felt like something was caught in his throat, so he nodded instead.

Jared waved at Sam and Kevin as they got in their car. Jared wandered around the house for a few minutes before picking up his phone. Although he’d called Gen and his son early in the morning, he felt compelled to talk to them again. He punched the number and waited. Gen answered on the third ring. The background sounds told him that she was in the middle of dinner or some get together. He wanted to feel bad for interrupting, but he just couldn’t. He needed this contact after the day he’d had.

“Jared? Is everything okay?”

He didn’t know why but her concern triggered something in him and he felt the flood gates open. He choked out a soft cry, “I miss him.”

Gen was smart enough to know that “him” meant both his son and Jensen. She murmured in his ear, her voice soothing him. When he calmed down she put their son on the phone and Jared spoke to him for a few minutes, listening as the boy went over his day with enthusiasm. It was comforting to hear his voice.

“I’ll talk to you later, okay?” He told his son and the child agreed before saying good night.

Gen’s voice returned, “What happened?”

He told her about his day with Sam and Kevin, not leaving out any details. Gen didn’t speak as he went over the events and when he finished she asked, “Is he cute?”

“What?”

“Kevin. Is he cute?” Her tone was playful and he knew what she was doing.

“Gen,” he warned. For three years now she’d been on his ass about moving on, about finding someone to love. He imagined that a part of her felt guilty because she moved on, marrying another man and now expecting his child. He didn't begrudge her that happiness, but they weren't the same. Jared was not the great love of Gen’s life. And she was not his, but he did have one. And he lost it. Hell, he never had it to begin with.

“Jared,” she retorted. “I know that we've never really worked through it and believe me, I don’t want to ever discuss it again. I have unresolved issues about that whole thing, but let’s be honest, just for a moment. He made his choices. You made yours. And you both have to live with it. You can’t mourn his mistakes as your own. And you can’t keep punishing him for yours.”

Before he could stop himself, he asked. “Have you seen him?”

They’d never discussed Gen’s lunch with Danneel, but he knew from his son that their play date had turned into a weekly outing. He was always cognizant enough to turn the conversation to something else if the child started going into details. He really didn’t want to know, at least most of the time.

“Jared.” This time it was Gen’s voice that held a note of warning. “Don’t ask me, please. You don’t want this.”

“I just….” He let the sentence hang unfinished. What did he want? He didn’t know.

“Yes,” she sighed. “And that’s all I’m saying about it, Jared.”

For a moment he imagined himself as an addict, thirsting for some small sip or shot or hit to keep him going. Luckily, Gen was a good sponsor. She changed the subject abruptly as she filled him in on the pregnancy. They’d both agreed that he’d take their son next summer, letting the boy get used to having a younger sibling around before leaving for a few months. She was due around his spring break, so he promised to be on call if she needed him to come out to California for a few days. Her mother would be around, but she wanted Jared’s promise in case he was needed.

Just when he was about to end the call Gen whispered, “He’s living as best he can with the choices he’s made. Just like you, Jared.”

Jared nodded even though she couldn’t see him. He thanked her and then hung up.

He stared off into space for a few minutes. As he was getting up, he realized there was a package left on the table. It was brightly colored, and Jared realized that Sam must’ve left him a present. He unwrapped the carefully covered item and laughed when he saw the contents. It was a framed picture of Kevin and Sam on the hood of a classic black Impala. Poor Kevin looked bored but Sam smiled brightly into the camera. At the bottom it read, in a perfect child-drawn script, “Saving People, Hunting Things. Thank you, Jared, for being so cool.”

Jared set the frame on the coffee table and settled back on the couch. He flipped on the television and noted that the menu was still up on the DVD. He’d have to return it to Sam when he saw them next, but for now, his finger hovered over the play button. He pushed it and was greeted by the familiar sound of a voice and a face he used to call home.

****

_“It used to be fun,” Jensen muttered as they struggled toward their trailers. The long day of shooting left them both exhausted._

_He motioned toward his trailer, and his co-star’s eyes lit up. They snuck in, and he pushed them to the bed. He fell on top of Jared’s body, hard-line meeting hard-line, tracks intersecting before the crossing._

_“We shouldn't,” Jared protested even as he lifted his hand, resting it on the patch of flesh exposed by the bunched up shirt. His fingers flexed into the muscle._

_Jensen lowered and twisted his hips, lightly rubbing their bodies together. He nipped at Jared’s lips, tasting the make-up and breath mints. They kissed for a long time, until he felt hands grab his face and his body was turned, almost thrown, so that he lay on his back, looking up into mischievous eyes._

_They laughed and lounged together. Their whisper soft kisses growing deeper as the day passed into twilight. He let the feeling carry him even as he tried to ignore the gold wedding band that bit into his cheeks._

****

“So this convention idea,” Kevin started and Jared looked over at his friend.

“Seriously, Kevin, drop it.” He was maneuvering his controller with steadfast concentration. He was almost there and was determined to beat Sam this time. It’d been years since he played a video game, but that was no excuse for losing to a thirteen-year-old.

Suddenly, his car crashed into the side of a building that had not been there before. “Fuck!” he shouted and Kevin punched his arm.

“Dude! Young ears!” He nodded toward Sam whose hands flew into the air. Jared scoffed. He’d heard both Kevin and Sam say worse.

“I won. Again.” Sam cocked his head at Jared. “You, Jared Padalecki, are a loser. Again.”

“Whatever. I got to play Sam Winchester,” Jared mumbled and threw his controller down. He winked at Sam before heading into the kitchen. It was the weekend, so Sam and Kevin were spending time at his house, which had become a habit over the last few months. He was making a pot of Texas chili and went to stir it when he noticed that Kevin had followed him.

For most of the day, something seemed off about Kevin. He was lighthearted, as usual, but it was forced. Jared could tell by how the corners of his mouth didn’t quite open up on the smiles he dispensed so easily. Kevin watched Jared stir the chili without speaking. Jared stopped and turned to him.

“What’s wrong?”

Kevin stepped closer and Jared stiffened. This was all new to him, but he relaxed as Kevin laid his head on Jared’s shoulder, wrapping his arms around the taller man. Jared’s arms closed around him and they stood there for several minutes in silence. Finally, Jared pushed him away and looked at Kevin’s eyes. They were tired and sad.

“The treatment’s not working,” Jared whispered, knowing without Kevin having to say it.

Kevin glanced away, “Yeah, Dr. Salmon said it was too aggressive.”

“Does he know?”

Kevin shook his head, “Not yet. I mean, he may because he’s a smart kid. I’m sure he knows, but I haven’t told him. I can’t.” Clear blue eyes met Jared’s gaze. The unshed tears made the blue more vivid.

“Kev,” Jared pulled the man back to him, embracing him. He kissed the side of his neck and whispered, “It’ll be okay. You’ll get through this.”

“Homoerotic, Jared.” Kevin responded and they both laughed.

“Ew, this is just gross.” Both men looked over as Sam entered. He threw his cap on the seat and jumped up on the bar stool. “Please tell me you two aren’t getting it on, because that might traumatize me.”

“Getting it on?” Kevin asked. “What the hell does that mean?”

“You know, doing it. Having sex, Kevin.” At that point Sam was about to make an obscene gesture when Kevin reached over and covered his hands.

“Stop. You are not the only one capable of being traumatized.”

Jared raised his hands, “There is no sex or getting it on or anything else happening that might induce trauma. Promise.”

“Good,” Sam joked but Jared suspected there was a thread of seriousness to his answer. He could understand. Kevin was all that Sam had and anyone else would pose a threat, especially now. While Kevin wasn’t sure if Sam was aware of what was happening with the treatment, Jared was almost positive that the teenager knew. He was an extraordinarily bright kid.

“So, who’s up for some chili?” Jared asked.

His two companions nodded with enthusiasm as he served their lunch.

****

“Mr. Padalecki?”

“Yes, Miss Brookner?”

“Why do you think Castiel turned on the brothers?”

Jared looked at his student, “What season are you in?”

“Seven.”

“Oh, well, ask me that question again after eight.”

“Mr. Padalecki?”

“One question, Miss Brookner. Those are the rules.”

“Oh, I know. Can I ask you to look at my paper?”

Jared smiled and took the essay. He sat down with her while students entered for the next class. As he was suggesting ways for Lulu to improve her paper, his phone vibrated against the steel desk. He glanced over and saw Kevin’s number. He held his finger up and told Lulu to give him a moment.

“Hello?” He answered but it wasn’t Kevin’s voice.

“Could you come to the house, Jared? Please?” Jared could tell it was urgent.

“Sure, Sam. I’ll be there in a bit.”

He jumped up and ran to the next class. It was David’s free block. He ducked in and asked the other teacher, “Hey, David, could you cover my class? I have an emergency.”

David nodded and followed Jared. A few minutes later, after he’d instructed David on the lesson plan, Jared waved apologetically to Lulu and sprinted out to the car. 

*****

“Hey, Jared,” Sam greeted and stepped back to let him in.

“Where’s Kevin?”

Sam pointed at the back of the house and turned to lead Jared to the den. Jared had been in the house before but he was again struck by the outright wealth. He was wealthy and had been smart with his money from the show, but he lived modestly. This was not a modest home, but it wasn’t grotesque in its opulence. It was just rich.

“What’s going on, Sam?” Jared asked as Sam entered the den. He didn’t answer, letting the scene tell the story.

Kevin was slumped on the couch, his feet hanging over the edge. Bottles littered the room.

“What the hell?” Jared yelled and moved toward the man.

Sam placed a hand on his arm, stopping him, “Let him sleep it off, Jared.” The teenager nodded his head toward the other room and Jared followed.

“Dr. Salmon told us yesterday afternoon that we can’t do the treatment anymore because it can make me sicker,” Sam sat down on the overstuffed chair in the living room. His fingers rubbed absently at the leather. Jared sat down opposite him and they stayed that way for a few silent moments.

Jared shifted forward and rested his elbows on his knees, “How are you doing?” He knew how Kevin was, the evidence of the night-long drunk hanging on the young man like a shroud.

Sam sighed, “We knew it was going to happen, Jared. I mean, it’s not like we didn’t know.”

“Yeah, but did Dr. Salmon say anything else? Aren’t there other options? He’s not telling you to give up.” Jared stood up and paced the room. “Do you know other doctors? I have contacts back in L.A., maybe UCLA has some research or something?”

“I’m tired,” Sam whispered and Jared looked over at the boy. And he was a boy still. It broke Jared’s heart that this might be the end. 

Jared saw the bags under the kid’s eyes, a shade of dark blue against the pale white skin, “Maybe you should go lay down?”

Sam nodded but Jared suspected tired meant more to him than just sleep.

“I’ll check on Kevin before I leave,” he promised as Sam walked down the hallway toward his bedroom. He stopped in front of the open door and looked back at Jared.

“Thanks,” Sam replied and shut the door behind him.

Jared entered the den and started picking up the mess. He wouldn’t wake Kevin yet. He couldn’t imagine the pain his friend was suffering. To have your parents die and then suddenly be the only caretaker for a dying younger brother? As he put the last of the garbage in the can, he noticed the line of photos on the fireplace mantle. There were photos of Sam at various ages from infancy to the present, including a copy of the Impala picture. There were a few of Kevin as a young child and right in the middle was a full family photo, both parents standing proud behind their two sons, one barely a toddler and the other a teenager.

“They had him when I was thirteen, the same age Sam is now. Kind of strange, huh?”

Jared turned and looked at Kevin, who still lay on the couch, his eyes slightly opened. He smiled sadly, “So Sam told you?”

Jared nodded, “Yeah. I’m sorry, man. Is there…”

“No,” Kevin sat up and moved his neck. His eyes darted around the room, “Thanks for cleaning up. I kind of…well, you know.”

“I know,” Jared sat down next to him on the oversized couch. “Dude, you stink.”

Kevin’s head turned and he made a face, “Yeah, I do. But now I need a shower. Thanks for coming.” He patted Jared’s knee as he stood up. Jared watched him as he left.

Instead of leaving, though, he stayed and thought about Kevin and Sam. It was weird, but he felt thankful that they came into his life. Hanging out with Kevin and Sam had become a ritual somehow. They were helping with the play. They talked to Gen a few times when he was on video chat. She seemed to like them, and asked about them when he chatted with her. They’d also given him something back of his life, a joy for years that had become just bad memories and sorrow for things he couldn’t change.

Twenty minutes later Kevin came back in the room, his hair wet and draped in a towel. Jared stared at the hard chest and was reminded of his libido rather suddenly. Kevin smirked at him, “So, tell me something, Jared.”

Jared’s gaze followed him as Kevin neared the fireplace. “What?” His voice sounded deeper to his own ears.

“Why don’t you have pictures of Jensen Ackles at your place?”

The desire that Jared felt crashed immediately to the ground. His shoulders stiffened and his hands clenched. This is the first time Kevin had brought up Jensen outside of his conversations with Sam about the show.

“We weren’t as close as most thought we were,” Jared offered his answer fluently, having practiced it for years. “It was a working relationship and when the show ended, so did it.”

“Hmmm, that’s odd. When I was doing research for the convention proposal, I found a bunch of interviews and convention clips. You guys seemed pretty tight.” Kevin put the picture down and grabbed his t-shirt off the chair. He pulled it on quickly. Jared wondered if the man sensed that he’d stepped over a boundary.

“It’s called acting, dude. I mean, Jensen is a cool guy and all, but we weren’t best friends.” Jared inwardly cringed at the falsehood. But perhaps it wasn’t totally a lie. They’d gone beyond friends from almost the start.

Kevin sat down next to Jared and reached out, placing his hand on Jared’s leg. He shook it gently, making Jared look at him, which he did. “You’re not that good of an actor, Jared.”

He knew it wasn’t an insult, just the truth. The internet had an indelible memory, and if Kevin saw specific convention vids, particularly from the early years, well, then the evidence was damning. 

“Another life, another time,” Jared murmured. He looked at Kevin fully then, “Why are you bringing him up now?”

“I’m sorry, man.” Kevin stood up and glanced down. “I guess I wanted….” He sighed and ran a hand nervously through his thick dark hair, “I guess I wanted company in my misery. I’m not a fool, Jared. You know I’m gay. And I know if we were at different points in our lives I’d be hitting on you like crazy, but I don’t dance with other people’s ghosts. Have enough of my own to deal with.”

“Hey, wait a minute, I don’t know what you think I’m angling for,” Jared put up his hands defensively. Granted, he’d found the younger man attractive, but he didn’t do relationships, not anymore, and he didn’t do casual hook-ups. He’d been through that during his time in college, an act of desperation to try and rid himself of Jensen. It had failed miserably and left him feeling cheap.

“Oh, I’m not saying you’re in love or even lust with me. I’m just tired of hopping around the question, you know? We’ve become friends, and I’m gonna need that in the next few months. And it didn’t seem fair that you had this big hole in your life that you wouldn’t share while I’ve been standing emotionally naked in front of you.” Kevin held up his finger and dashed out of the room, leaving Jared to digest his observations.

A minute later he was back in jeans. Jared considered him for a moment, “So what do you think happened between me and Jensen?” Since Kevin put the cards on the table, there seemed to be no need for pretense. He felt soon after that first hospital visit that he could trust Kevin. And it wasn’t like Jensen hadn’t outed himself with those pictures, so he wasn’t protecting anyone anymore with his silence.

Kevin breathed deeply before answering, “I think y’all were doing it like bunnies in a pet store after hours.”

Jared laughed, “Wow, that’s an analogy. Sad part is that there’s probably fanfiction somewhere that has us as bunnies in a pet store.”

“Really?” Kevin grinned. “That’d be creepy and awesome at the same time. So were you? Doing it like bunnies?”

“Not really bunnies, more like emotionally stunted gerbils.” Jared responded quietly, letting the implication fall between them. 

“I knew it! Hell, Sam knew it.” Kevin got up and opened the small refrigerator near the entertainment console. He took out a beer and offered it to Jared. Jared thought for a moment and nodded. If he was going to share this with Kevin, it’d be nice to do it with a little liquid courage.

“Sam knew it?” Jared asked as he popped the top off the bottle.

Kevin sat down next to him and recounted, “Yeah, one time when we were driving back to the house, back in December I think? He starts asking me all these questions about if it’s okay for guys to be in love with other guys and such.” He took a drink and continued, “Since I’d pretty well kept all my dalliances away from home during college, I was trying to think if I’d let something slip. Hell, my parents died believing I was straighter than a dead man’s tie. But then I thought maybe he had a crush on you, with all your prettiness and shit.”

“Hey!” Jared pushed Kevin’s shoulder in retaliation. “I’m not pretty. That was Jensen’s forte.”

“Whatever, pretty boy. So anyway, back to my story. I am trying my best to be all ‘love comes in all shades, shapes, sizes’ and ‘we should never judge others’ when he nods and says ‘good ‘cause I think Jared’s in love with Jensen, and I like him and I don’t want you to not like him ‘cause he’s in love with Jensen.’ At that point I told him I was gay so I wouldn't and couldn't judge you. And he was cool with it. Except he warned me not to go falling in love with you because Jensen is much cooler than me.”

“I guess I’m really not a good actor,” Jared murmured as he took another swig of the beer.

“So tell me the story,” Kevin invited and amazingly Jared just started talking.

“We met during the show auditions and I was kind of instantly in love with him. I didn't know it at the time. Girlfriend, you know. Pretty and smart and loyal brand of girl who I could've married and had kids with. That was the life I’d been kind of planning in my head, but then the show happened.” Jared remembered those first few years as exciting and confusing.

“And Jensen happened?” Kevin offered.

“Oh, yeah, but Jensen happens to everyone. He’s just a force of nature, that one.”

Kevin studied him for a minute, “You’re bitter about it, aren't you?”

Jared winced, “Sorry. I've tried hard to not really think about it, and when I do? Every time something reminds me of him I just remember how bad it was at times.”

“But it was also good, I take it?”

Jared thought about it before responding, “Yeah, it was good, I guess. But the bad far outweighed the good, especially towards the end. By the time the show finished, we could barely look at each other. We put up an almost flawless front for the fans and everyone else, but alone? That part of our relationship, the friendship part, withered and died a slow and painful death.”

“Sounds hard. I've never had a serious relationship so I can’t imagine how much it must’ve hurt to see it end like that.”

“Oh, it was a clusterfuck of back and forth missteps, bad marriages, angry sex, and hateful words.” Jared got up and moved to the fireplace. His eyes roamed over the photos, “But I got a best friend and perfect kid out of it, so it wasn't all bad.”

“Just him?”

Jared turned and shrugged, “I don’t regret him, if that’s what you’re asking. I loved him more than I thought I could love another human being, at least in that way and to those depths. I’m glad I know what it feels like and it’s fucking sad that I know what it feels like. Because it won’t happen again, and that sucks.”

“You don’t know that, Jared.” Kevin leaned back on the couch and Jared laughed. “What?” The man asked.

Jared shook his head, “I feel like I’m having a psych session. Want to hear about my dreams now?”

“Yeah, it got real mopey in here, huh?” Kevin set the beer aside. “You can fill me in on the whole thing later on, with details of course, but right now I think I’m gonna kick you out.”

“If you need anything,” Jared spoke as Kevin led him to the front door. “Anything.”

Kevin looked down at his feet and Jared realized his friend was on the brink of breaking down.

“I just need some time to think,” Kevin responded. “We’ll see you tomorrow, right? Sam wants to see that Lulu girl again.”

“A match made in television heaven,” Jared smirked.

“For sure,” Kevin snorted. They didn't hug but lightly tapped each other on the shoulder as Jared headed out.

****

_“Hey!” He heard Jared call out, following him into the hotel lobby. They were scheduled to go on tomorrow morning, and he knew Jared was trying to think of things they could do tonight that would keep them far away from the convention hotel._

_“Yeah?” Jensen set his carry-on down as he waited for the elevator. They had rooms on the same floor, as requested. They both entered the elevator. As they lifted toward the top of the hotel, he took the silence as an opportunity._

_“What do you think about steaks? I’d like to have a big-ass porterhouse. How ‘bout you?” He bumped their shoulders together._

_Jensen looked down before saying, “I’m really tired, man. Maybe we can just order room service. I hate the breakfast thing. Can’t we just meet them for lunch or brunch or not at all?”_

_“You okay?”_

_“Just tired is all. I don’t feel like playing dress up and going out for a damn dinner date, all right?” He snapped, striking out with venom._

_Jared didn’t respond. When the elevator stopped, Jensen grabbed his luggage and headed toward his room._

_“Wait up, man.”_

_He refused to turn around, but he did stop._

_“I’m sorry. It’s just, last year we did that and it was different, you know?”_

_Jensen bowed his head, remembering their time at the last convention. It’d been fun and playful. This year it was just work. Finally, he responded with a purposeful coldness, “Yeah, whatever. I get it. Good night.”_

_He heard his name being called but he ignored it, letting the closed door answer for him._

**Part Three**

“Mr. Padalecki?”

Jared was supervising the set construction when he heard Lulu’s voice behind him.

“You had your question today, Miss Brookner.” He tried not to sound harsh but he was busy, and he didn’t trust teenagers not to drop stuff. And dropping stuff was catastrophic during the set design process.

“But Mr. Padalecki.” This time Jared rolled his eyes, recognizing the false staccato of Sam’s voice. He turned and looked at the two. They were standing there as innocent as could be. He knew better.

“Mr. Drake,” Jared greeted. “What can I do for you?” Ever since Kevin started dropping Sam off after school for the play set up and rehearsals, Lulu and he had become fast and tight friends. He’d explained to Lulu right from the start about Sam’s illness, and she had nodded with understanding. It was then she told him about her mother’s death from cancer when she was a kid and how hard it had been to watch. But with a wisdom that a sixteen-year-old shouldn’t have, she’d assured him that this would be a way for her to honor her mom. He grew to like her even more after that and was tempted to give her all the questions she ever wanted.

“I was wondering if we could help set up or something?” Sam said. His cap was pulled down over his head, and he looked even more tired than usual.

“Nah, we got it. Why don’t you two go concoct some bizarre readings of season four and share them with me later?”

Sam smiled, “Sure thing.”

“Hey, guys!” Jared yelled out to the stage. “Put it over there, like I said.”

An hour later or so he noticed Kevin coming in. They were running behind, so he just waved as Sam and his brother took off and went back to work. It was getting late when he started to wind things down. He called out to everyone to start going home. He was making last-minute notes when he heard footfalls behind him. Thinking it was one of the actors, he handed back the play copy without looking.

“Mr. Padalecki?”

He was surprised that Lulu was still there. He thought she’d left when Sam did. She didn’t have a part in the play, so he wondered why she stayed, which apparently he asked aloud when she said, “I wanted to talk to you about Sam.”

Jared waved her over to a seat, “Sure, what’s up?”

“Sam told me about his brother’s idea, about the convention?”

Jared sighed, “Lulu.” He used her first name because he wanted to be kind but also stern.

“Oh, it’s not about me, Mr. Padalecki. I don’t really care about meeting the other cast. In fact, I kind of don’t want to? I mean, not that they’re bad or anything, but it’d ruin the characters, I think. I have to see you every time I see Sam Winchester, and it’s kind of creepy.” She acted out a shiver and he laughed quietly.

“Thanks, I think?” Jared put down the notepad. “Then what did you need to say about the convention?”

Lulu finally sat down next to him. She held a chewed-on blue stick pen, one of the cheap ones he left lying around the classroom for students to use. She twirled it between her fingers, its straight line seeming to bend around her knuckles as she spoke, “When my mom died I was like nine. It wasn’t a fast death. It seemed like she’d been dying since I was born.”

Jared studied her profile, her head bent so he couldn’t see her face but he could hear her. He didn’t interrupt. This is the most she’d said about her mother since she told him about the woman’s cancer.

“My dad was always preparing me for it, like letting me know it was coming would make it hurt less. I get it now, but then it was just painful. Every day seemed to be about her dying, and I got mad. At her. At him. At me. I was like a kid, so what did I know, right?”

He wanted to tell her that she was still a kid, but he refrained. He knew that death was the admission price to adulthood for too many children, including Lulu. 

Jared could see the beginning of the tears as one leaked down from the corner of her eye. She continued, “When she got bad and we knew she wasn’t going to be around much longer, he kept asking me what I wanted to give her. I didn’t understand. Give her? She was dying, what could she possibly take with her?”

He didn’t know if she was asking him or echoing the little girl crying out to her father.

She turned to look at him then, seemingly unashamed of the unchecked tears on her face. “I was home schooling then because Dad wanted me around. Maybe for him, maybe for me. Who knows? She was set up in our family room. The hospice nurses were really nice, too, coming to play with me every once in a while. I learned Rummy from one of them.”

Jared saw the memories start to flicker across her face. Some sad. Some happy. He resisted the urge to pull her into a hug. She needed to tell him something, so he just let her speak.

“A few days before she died, when she was still awake, I made her a card. I couldn’t think of anything else to give her, you know? I set the card on the table and the nurses read it to her. She was so happy, and they put me up on the bed near her head. She patted the top of my hair and told me all kinds of things, like she loved me and that I was her baby and that I’d be all right. She even told me it was okay to be mad but not forever. She was so sad and yet so happy.”

Jared was wondering why she was telling him this and how it connected to Sam.

Lulu stood up and looked down at him, “The day she died I was in my room. My dad asked me to stay there with one of the nurses. I didn’t understand then, but they were taking care of the body, getting it ready for the funeral home and stuff. I just wanted to be out of that room. I could hear my dad’s voice and the hurt in it. I wanted to be with him. There was a jar on the table, an old steel can, really, that my mom would drop coins into. I had a bunch of them, hidden in the closet. Still there. I ran to the door, but the nurse caught me, and when I kicked out my arm and leg, I hit the table and the can fell, busting open and all the coins rolled out. I screamed and screamed because I realized that’s what I should’ve given her. It was ours, only ours. The nurse didn’t get it, but I think my dad did. He ran in and looked at the mess and just hugged me, whispering about how the jar wasn’t broken, just bent. He could fix it.”

“Did he?” Jared asked.

“No, he couldn’t and I wouldn’t want him to. It’s still on my desk. I still drop coins in it. It’s still my mom’s jar. Because when someone you love is dying, when you know they are going to be gone from your life, you want something that was just yours and theirs. So I get why my dad wanted me to give her something now. He wanted me to feel like I’d thanked her for being in my life, for being mine.”

Jared nodded, understanding why she told him the story and grateful that she did. The convention wasn’t about Sam. It was about Kevin, and he finally saw that.

“Sam doesn’t care about the convention,” Lulu whispered. “But he does care about Kevin.”

She didn’t say anything else, just offered a small wave and shuffled off, her black-and-red flannel fading into the lowered lights of the theater.

He spent the rest of the night thinking about Lulu, Sam, and Kevin. He thought about Jensen and all the history they shared. He thought about the show and its story. He was trying to be a better man, trying to let go of the ghosts and move on. Dancing with the dead is a selfish act when it simply protects one from living. At midnight he picked up the phone and dialed Kevin’s number. It went to voicemail.

After the beep, Jared said, “I know it’s late but I have an idea I want to talk to you about. We can discuss tomorrow, ‘k?”

He hung up and stared at the phone. He hoped he wouldn’t regret this.

****

“Dude, midnight, really?” Kevin opened the door and let Jared in. It was Friday evening, and he’d given everyone the night off as a break from the production. Karen thought he was being obsessive since the play didn’t begin for another month and a half, but that just revealed how inexperienced she was in preparing for every disaster imaginable, which is what putting on a play really meant.

Jared laughed, “Yeah, I missed you so. Just had to hear that voice of yours.”

Kevin rolled his eyes and led Jared into the kitchen. He could smell the various aromas of Italian food as he entered. Several containers of pasta, sauce, bread, and desserts were laid out on the center counter. He noticed the bag and the food was from probably the fanciest restaurant in the city. “You got a date?” Jared asked as he nodded to the bag. “That’s a ‘I really want you to put out’ kind of place.”

“First, it’s Sam’s favorite place to eat. Second, even though I’m not a woman, I really want to punch you for that bit of Texas misogyny.”

Jared guffawed and then looked around the room. “Where’s Sam?” He bent back to see if the kid was in the family room across the hall.

Kevin was quiet as he opened the cabinets and then replied, “He’s lying down. Wasn’t really feeling up to eating just yet.” He handed a plate and some flatware to Jared.

“We can wait,” Jared set the plate down and watched as Kevin opened all the containers.

“No, he’ll be up in a while. He has to eat, but so do we, right?” It was a mundane task, but Jared saw it for what it really was; the throes of denial. “So what’d you want to talk about at that nightmarish hour, anyway?”

Jared ran his fingers down the front of his jean legs before starting, “This convention idea of yours.”

“Yeah?” Kevin stopped and turned.

“Tell me more about what you were thinking,” Jared encouraged. He’d thought about it all day, which is one of the reasons he took a night off from the play. He didn’t know if it was a good idea, actually knew it wasn’t a good idea, but Lulu’s words stuck with him, her story making him take pause. And some small part of him thought that if the convention happened Jensen would probably decline coming anyway. He was part of a different franchise now. He might not even be able to come, so Jared had let the more rational parts of his brain work through the scenarios, and he’d grown more comfortable with the idea as the evening approached.

“I was thinking of a small convention, with the classic set-up of panels, contests, etc. spaced over a three-day weekend, I guess? The proceeds would go into the trust I’ve already established to build the wing. It was really more for Sam, but you know, Jared, I get why you don’t want to do it. And Sam’s just happy to have you as a friend now.”

“But you think it’d be fun for him, right?”

Kevin laughed, “Well yeah, he’s watched that damn show more than is necessary or, honestly, more than is sane. But really, Jared, you don’t have to.”

“I’ll do it,” Jared said as he started to dish out the food. “But I doubt you’ll get Ackles. Maybe Misha, though? And a few others?”

Kevin remained silent for a few seconds and then said, “Jensen already agreed, Jared.”

“What?” Jared’s hand stopped mid scoop.

“When I was doing research, before we even met you, I’d contacted his representatives. He was easy to find and get ahold of. Easier than you, believe it or not.” Kevin watched him and continued, “He said he’d do it but that it was up to you, your decision. But he did say he wouldn’t do it unless you agreed.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jared put the food down. He wasn’t hungry all of a sudden.

Kevin reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder, “Jared…”

“So you’ve spoken to him?” Jared slipped away from Kevin’s touch.

Kevin let his hand fall back to his side, “I talked to his agent and manager. He emailed me directly. He’s actually kept in regular contact about it.”

“He has?” Jared was surprised. “Why?” He didn’t think Kevin had the answer.

“His emails just say that he’s interested in helping out the charity and that he’s ready whenever you are.” Kevin sat down on the barstool near the counter. “I’ve told him that you declined and that the idea was shelved, but every month, like clockwork, he checks in about it. Makes a certain kind of sense lately.”

Jared was about to ask what he meant when he heard, “Jared?”

Both men looked around and Sam was standing in the doorway. His cap was gone, so his bright-white head glistened under the kitchen lighting. Talk about Jensen ceased as Kevin guided Sam into the room.

“Hungry? I got your favorites.” Kevin spooned generous helpings of the pasta and sauce on a plate for Sam. Jared looked on sadly as the young boy moved the food around, making an effort to eat it even as Jared recognized he was just doing it for Kevin.

Jared spent the better part of the evening trying to keep Sam’s spirits up, entertaining him with stories from the set that would please a teenage boy, stories about body fluids and gas and all manner of disgusting things. Sam laughed, and every once in a while Jared would look over at Kevin, who wore a look of sad appreciation.

It was close to 10pm when they finally called it a night. Kevin followed him to the front door. As he was stepping off the first step, Kevin reached out and stopped him. “Jared, about earlier?”

Jared knew he was referring to Jensen, “Yeah?”

“You really don’t have to do this, you know? Say no and it’s over. Last time we’ll ever mention it.”

Jared stared at his friend for a long moment and then he shifted his eyes, staring behind Kevin toward the teenager who waved and headed back to his bedroom. Jared wanted to say no. 

Everything in him rebelled against Jensen putting the choice on him. How dare he? But the other part of him, the part that had come to know and respect Kevin and Sam, the part that admonished him for his selfishness? That part told him that he would regret not doing this, that at the end of his life, he’d regret the things he didn’t do, not the things he did.

With that in mind he met Kevin’s gaze and simply said, “Tell him I’ve agreed. Let me know when, where, and how we’re going to do this.”

Kevin’s eyebrows rose in surprise, “Are you sure?”

Jared nodded, jumping in with both feet first, “Yeah, I’m sure. Let’s do this.” He smiled, even though he knew it didn’t quite reach his eyes. But it would. He’d make it. He walked down the pathway toward his car.

Kevin called out, “Okay, then, I’ll start making the arrangements tomorrow. But Jared?”

Jared turned, “Yeah?”

“You can back out anytime. Anytime. I won’t be mad.”

Jared wished he hadn’t said that. It would be too tempting an option. “I won’t back out. I promise.”

And if nothing else, Jared kept his promises, even when they threatened to destroy his soul.

****

_“Ready for tomorrow?”_

_Jensen turned and caught sight of his co-star as he approached. He was in a room off the side of the lobby. The sounds of party goers echoed through the building but at least there the noise was muffled by thick walls and doors._

_“As I’ll ever be, I guess.” He really didn’t want to see Jared right now. It was hard enough to see him at work. Why had they insisted on being in each other’s weddings?_

_“You’ll be fine, you know? It’s all good.” The comment was trite and insincere and they both knew it. This was the product of a long series of fuck-ups and bad choices. But here they were._

_“I love her.” And he meant it. He did love her but not the way he loved him and that was so fucking unfair to all of them. “I love her,” he repeated, damning himself again with the words._

_He felt the hand as it moved up his back. He stiffened but didn’t move away. Couldn’t. Tomorrow, this would be a sin, would be a broken promise heaped among the other refuse of his life. Tomorrow, this would be wrong. Something inside him fractured, split open, shaking his body, turning it into a geography of molten anger. He slammed Jared back, pushing him into the corner so that the eyes of the room couldn’t see them. He grabbed his face, pressing their foreheads together, their lips centimeters from each other._

_“I regret you so fucking much.” His words were a curse as he muffled his lover’s response with a bruising kiss. They panted with desire, their breaths drowning out the clang and clamor of the world outside, the world that was celebrating his wedding. He molded their bodies together, the fabric not standing between them but only adding to the discordant rhythm, punctuating the beat with the slide of arms and legs tangling. He could hear the song in their collision, and it sounded like an elegy._

_Minutes, maybe hours, passed like that, with their bodies surging and rising, then retreating and falling. He couldn’t get enough, and every time he felt his co-star back away, he chased him, capturing his lips, stalling the words that would end it. Just this once, he promised himself._

_Somewhere from inside the room a grandfather clock chimed, announcing the start of a new day. His body levered away as he whispered, “Tomorrow.”_

_Their eyes met and his companion slipped out of the embrace, walking toward the door. He turned to watch him. The clock continued its tolling, its deep thrum echoing through the room._

_Before he exited Jared turned back. He stood there a moment and then said, in a clear, almost artificially strong voice, “I don’t.”_

_“What?” He didn’t understand._

_Jared sighed and this time when he spoke it was barely a whisper, “I don’t regret you.” And then he was gone._

****

“Mr. Padalecki?”

“Miss Brookner?”

“I don’t like the Leviathan.”

“That’s not a question, Lulu.”

“No, it’s not. Just thought I’d share.”

“Anything else?”

Jared looked up from the stack of papers he was organizing and met the girl’s eyes. She shifted a moment, a nervous habit that she’d had since he could remember. She finally looked at him and said, “I’m glad you’re doing the convention.”

He didn’t respond except to nod. Once word had gotten out about the event, he was being inundated with students who wanted to meet Jensen or one of the other actors coming. Who knew teenagers were following the Enterprise? He’d not had contact with any of them, leaving Kevin to be the manager. All he had to do was show up, and that’s how he wanted it. He’d go in, do his schtick, and then get out.

“Question.”

“Sure,” he leaned back in the chair and waited.

“Can you write a letter of recommendation for me? For the school blog?”

“Of course, Lulu. Just send me the form and I’ll do it today. Any other questions?”

She considered him a minute before shaking her head, “No. That was it.”

He watched her as she left. It was the first time in months she hadn’t asked a question about the show.

****

“Absolutely not,” Jared snapped. His eyes went back and forth between John and Kevin. “It wouldn’t even be possible.”

“Jared,” John started but Jared lifted his hand to stop him.

“No. I mean, no. First of all, the auditorium is being set up for the play, which begins the weekend before the convention and runs until the weekend after the convention because of this damn thing. We can’t just break down the set. It’d be chaos. And second of all, just no because I don’t want fans milling around where I work now.” He had nightmare visions of women stealing his pens and leaving garments in and on his desk.

Kevin had called him earlier in a panic because the place he reserved had made a mistake. They didn’t realize the number of attendees, which was growing to a ridiculous number since it hit the internet, and they weren’t equipped to handle that many people. Jared also suspected they’d double booked and the other event was more lucrative. And Jared understood Kevin’s urgency. Over the last few weeks, Sam’s condition had been rapidly deteriorating; he’d been in and out of the hospital several times, each visit getting longer and more exhausting. But he still rankled at the idea of this thing intruding on his life.

“I can find another place, John.” Kevin interjected. “It was nice of you to offer, but Jared’s right, it would mean a lot of unnecessary interruptions.”

And Kevin’s understanding just made Jared feel like a jerk. He looked at John and could see the man saw the opportunity for school publicity and then he looked at Kevin, who was trying hard to distract himself from what was going on with Sam. And then he saw himself in his mind’s eye and he couldn’t help but see a spoiled brat.

He sighed heavily and looked at both men, “If you can guarantee that the set will be put up immediately after the convention and that you’ll post guards around the school, especially my classroom, then I guess I can deal with it.”

Kevin must’ve known how difficult it was for him because he reached out and laid a hand on Jared’s arm. “Thank you,” he said and then nodded to John as he left.

Jared looked at his principal, “I mean it, John. Guards on my classroom, all weekend.”

He didn’t listen for a response as he headed back to his class.

**Part Four**

The audience burst into applause after the last line was delivered. This was their premiere performance, and Jared was so proud of the students. He watched from the side stage as they made their final bows. A group of them sprinted over to him and grabbed his arms, halfway dragging him onto the stage. They pushed him to the front, and he smiled. He bowed, and as he did, he searched the front row. Kevin was seated on the seat near the stairway, Sam in the wheelchair right next to him. The young boy’s eyes were bright as he clapped, but Jared noted the bony hands and fingers. The illness was turning him into a wraith.

Kevin winked at him, and they exchanged smiles.

Later on, Jared was backstage, gathering up some things before the after party when he looked up and saw Kevin strolling toward him. There was a strange look on his face.

Jared’s heart dropped. “Where’s Sam? Is he okay?”

Kevin’s eyebrows knitted together for a second before saying, “He’s out front, but Jared, I have to tell you something.”

Jared waited and when Kevin was about to speak a loud crash interrupted them. Jared held up his hand for Kevin to wait as he dashed back toward the sound. He found one of the students standing there, staring down at a broken vase.

“Did you hurt yourself?” Jared rushed over, giving the kid a once over.

“I think I cut my finger.” And sure enough, when Jared inspected his hand there was a sliver of glass sticking out of his pinky. It wasn’t bad, but he’d need to put some peroxide and a bandage on it. He didn’t know where they’d put the first-aid kit, so he decided to take another approach.

“Stay here, okay? I have tweezers and a first-aid kit in my classroom.”

He bolted by Kevin, hurriedly explaining, “Got to go to my class. Kid split his finger.”

“Jared, wait!” Jared didn’t turn around, just holding his hand up, indicating he’d be back in a few.

When he got to his classroom he noted that the door was slightly open. He must’ve forgotten to pull it all the way closed before the play. He walked in, not bothering to turn on the lights, and started toward his desk. The moon was full and bright, offering perfect lighting. He opened the desk drawer, and that’s when he felt it. The air in the room was different, occupied. He was not alone. He stopped, his head still bent. He didn’t dare move.

“You always had a thing for Churchill, didn’t you, Padalecki?”

Jared breathed deeply and slowly raised his head. He let his eyes adjust to the muted light. There, standing in front of his poster of Churchill and Roosevelt, was Jensen Ackles.

“Jensen,” he whispered softly. He hadn’t said the name in so long, at least not with feeling. He’d learned to speak of the man in absence, detach from the name any emotion connected to him, but that emotion slammed back into Jared in an instant, slicing through him. The name a simple clap of thunder. The moonlight cut across Jensen’s body, throwing his face into shadow and light, a peculiar chiaroscuro. The years had been kind, more than kind, to the man. He was fit and handsome with more crinkles on his face, but they were beautiful, as always. Because they were Jensen’s.

“Jared,” Jensen moved to stand in front of the desk. He held his hand out and Jared stared at it. It was such an odd ritual of greeting, to shake hands. It was almost grotesque – a familiar strangeness -- but he slid his hand out and laid it in Jensen’s. They gripped and Jared wondered if it was just sense memory that explained the awareness that swooped through his body. He knew this skin. His flesh knew that flesh.

“What are you doing here?” Jared let go of Jensen and stood back, keeping the desk and space between them.

Jensen seemed to note the retreat and his eyes lowered but not before Jared saw the sadness race across his expression. Well, fuck you, Jensen, he thought. We’re all fucking sad.

“I thought I’d spend the week back in the home state, maybe catch up?”

“With your family?” Jared grabbed the first-aid kit and walked back to the door.

“No,” Jensen said softly. “With you.”

Jared stood there stunned. “What?”

Jensen didn’t meet his gaze, instead looking around the room, at anywhere but him. “I wanted to see you, see how you were doing, you know? We were friends once, Jared.”

Jared didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything. He let the door close behind him as he made his way back to the auditorium. He was running on auto-pilot and barely noticed when Kevin stepped in front of him. Kevin gently took the first-aid kit and handed it to another student. Jared looked at him.

“You knew,” he could see the admission in his friend’s face.

“I tried to warn you,” Kevin responded, “but you were too fast.”

“I can’t,” Jared whispered, but he didn’t know what he couldn’t do. He was just floored. He’d been preparing himself to see Jensen again, but he had a countdown clock in his head and it still had a week on it.

Kevin patted his shoulder, “Why don’t you go home? I’ll give your regrets to the parents. The party’s gonna be packed anyway.”

“Sam?” Jared didn’t want Kevin to keep Sam out any longer than he should. The boy’s immune system probably couldn’t handle close contact with a large group of people for a long period of time.

“He’ll be fine. Lulu’s entertaining him as we speak.”

Jared shot his friend a grateful look and headed out, running to his car, just wanting to get home. He should’ve known it wouldn’t be that simple. He found Jensen leaning against the side of his truck.

“How’d you know this was mine?” Jared asked, accusation in his voice.

Jensen patted the side of the vehicle. “You always talked about having this truck, for years, don’t you remember? When I pulled up and saw it, it was a no-brainer.”

“Excuse me,” Jared stepped around Jensen and opened the driver’s side door.

“Why do you do that?”

Jared didn’t look at him, “Do what?”

“Run. Forget. Try to erase me from your past.” Jensen stepped closer but didn’t try to touch him. He just looked at Jared.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” But he did know. He just didn’t want to delve into it. 

“Yeah, you do,” Jensen moved so his shoulder rested against the vehicle, his body faced fully toward Jared, who stood in profile.

“Jensen,” Jared then looked at him. He was struck by how much the man had both changed and not changed. Seven years and he still looked like the guy who played Dean Winchester. Seven years and he still looked like the man Jared loved. But this Jensen had streaks of gray climbing through the hair at his temples, age deepening the valleys of skin near his eyes. “God, you’re still beautiful,” the words slipped out without Jared wanting them to. He moved his eyes, glancing away from his old friend.

He felt the hand rest lightly on his arm, felt it inch up toward his shoulder. “Jared,” the older man whispered as he brought his other arm around Jared, pulling him into an embrace. Jensen was a man of few words. He let his actions speak for him. Their bodies were about to connect when Jared remembered the photos, remembered another embrace, one that wasn’t him, and he snapped back into reality.

He shoved Jensen away, “I can’t. Not again.” He hopped in the car and pulled the door shut. He saw Jensen step back from his peripheral vision as he started the engine and pulled out immediately. He didn’t look in the rearview mirror until he was sure the school’s parking lot was out of sight.

****

_“Why are you doing this?” Jared asked as he stood between Jensen and the door. His body filled the entryway, blocking it._

_Jensen stared down at the packed bag. It was easier this way. They were too complicated. “You just want so much. Too much,” Jensen murmured._

_Jared stood silently for a few minutes before he huffed out a defeated sigh. He moved to the side and let Jensen open the door. After he took a few steps out the door Jared reached out and grabbed his arm. “I gave you everything,” he whispered. Jensen just shook the hand away and walked on, not once looking back._

****

Jared looked at the unfamiliar car parked in the driveway. Kevin had told him that the hospice nurse was stopping by this week to visit with Sam, so he just assumed it was her car. When he was greeted at the door by a hesitant Kevin and the sound of Jensen’s voice travelling through the house, he turned to leave.

“Jared?!” Sam’s voice called him back. He twisted around and the boy was in the hallway. Jensen was beside him, holding the teenager’s arm lightly, for support. “Look who’s here!”

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool, huh? Sam and Dean reunited,” Jared sighed and then smiled brightly, game face in effect as he stepped into the family room. “What’re you two up to?”

Sam stared at him for a second before letting himself be lowered back to the couch by Jensen. “We were talking about you,” the boy replied innocently.

“Really? And what lies has this guy been telling you?” He knocked his fist into Jensen’s upper arm, trying to mimic a jovial gesture. Jensen grabbed his arm and Jared realized he might have hit him a little too hard.

Kevin side-eyed Jared, “Can you help me in the kitchen?”

Jared followed Kevin out. There were packages of food and medicine on the counter.

“What was that?” Kevin asked as he started taking containers out of the bags. Looked like Chinese food tonight.

“Awkward, right?” Jared sighed as he sat down on the barstool.

“Oh, man, you raced past awkward into painfully embarrassing the second you punched him,” Kevin laughed.

“What’s he doing here?” Jared wondered aloud.

“I invited him, Jared. Sam saw him last night at the play. He was lurking toward the back entrance. Actually, Lulu saw him first and then she told Sam,” Kevin shrugged. “I went to talk to him and suggested he wait in your classroom while I went and got you, to avoid recognition. Some of the audience had already started to make a beeline for the poor guy.”

Jared didn’t want to revisit the preceding night. He’d gone home and thrown himself on his bed. He stared at the ceiling for a long time, sleep eluding him until he called Gen, hoping she hadn’t gone to bed. She’d answered him, of course, but his pregnant ex-wife had not been happy to hear what he was calling about. She’d told him to man up and stop being a whiny bitch before hanging up. He should’ve remembered pregnancy made her less patient.

“Poor guy, my ass.” Jared mumbled. “Don’t.” Jared saw the double entendre lurking in Kevin’s eyes. “Just don’t.”

“Jared?” He shifted around in his chair when he heard Jensen. Kevin continued setting the dinner out while Jensen stood in the doorway. This is ridiculous, Jared told himself. A week. Live with this for a week. For Kevin. For Sam.

“Hey, Jensen, take a seat.” He gestured toward the empty stool next to him. He could do this. He could.

“Sam’s asleep?” Kevin asked and Jensen nodded. “Well, you’re staying for dinner,” he told Jensen. 

Jensen was about to protest when Jared butted in.

“You should stay. Sam’ll appreciate it.”

Jensen searched Jared’s face for something. Finally, he said he would stay and thanked Kevin. He avoided Jared’s eyes as they made small talk. Kevin asked him about his show, his life in L.A., his child. Jared soaked up the information, trying not to look at Jensen as they chatted but feeling his eyes wander back to his former co-star’s face again and again. He remembered when they first met and the first few seasons of the show, how enraptured he’d been with Jensen’s every move, every word. One of the reasons he’d come back to Texas had been a vague effort at withdrawal. If he’d gone back to L.A., he’d have not been able to stay away from the man. He knew that about himself, if nothing else.

They sat in the kitchen and ate. Jared’s presence seemed to interrupt the conversation that had been happening before he arrived. He felt the familiar awkwardness that had been part of their final years together, until Kevin gently prodded Jared to talk about his life, about his students and his work. 

“Go ahead,” Kevin encouraged and he laid a hand on Jared’s arm as he was telling one particular story about Lulu. Jared noticed Jensen’s eyes as they zoomed in on the casual touch.

“I see Gen regularly,” Jensen mentioned as he grabbed a spring roll. It was a non-sequitor, breaking into Jared’s account.

“You do?” Jared pushed the plate away. He wasn’t hungry anymore. Reality was starting to crash back down on him.

Jensen must’ve sensed the change in him but he still persisted. “She and Danneel have a weekly play date. Didn’t you know?”

What Kevin didn’t know but Jared understood all too well was Jensen’s penchant for playing ignorant when he knew much more than he let on. It was an odd game that he never understood, but one Jared answered with his own brand of knowing ignorance. It was a subtle violence they inflicted on each other.

Jared held Jensen’s gaze, “She mentioned it but that was about it. I wasn’t curious enough to want to know more.”

Tension rolled between them and Kevin broke in, “So, you guys up for some show watching with Sam?”

Neither man answered him at first, still locked in their brewing standoff. Eventually Jared looked away and at Kevin. “Sure,” he smiled and turned back to Jensen. “I’m up for it. Not sure about the Captain here, though. He may have to get some beauty rest.” The words were laced with acid.

“No, I’m good,” Jensen said as he plastered on his plastic smile, the one Jared was tempted to bash in every time he saw it. “It’d be nice to see some of my earlier work, you know, before the job I have now.”

“Well, genre is genre, Jensen.” Jared reminded him, wearing his own fake smile.

“Okay, that’s all well and good. How about we clean this mess up and get back to Sam? So, Jared, why don’t you go check on Sam, and Jensen? Would you mind helping me clean up?”

They stared at each other for a long moment before Jared hopped up off the stool and headed back to the family room. Expecting to find Sam asleep, Jared was surprised to see him sitting up on the couch, staring off into a small corner of the room.

“Sam?”

The teenager looked up at his name being called. He tried for a smile but it was short-lived as a look of pain crossed his face. Jared hurried over, “Are you okay?”

“Not really,” Sam choked out a laugh. “Not really gonna be okay again, Jared.”

Jared could detect the anger in his voice. Kevin had told him that Sam was suffering severe mood swings lately, partially a product of the medication but also the process of dying. Dying. It was a strange thing to think about as a process.

“Need some help?” Jared asked as Sam tried to lift himself from the couch. He’d been growing weaker over the past week or so, needing assistance for the smallest move it seemed. For one so young his body was growing years older by the minute.

“No,” he snapped. He struggled with standing and finally let go, his body falling back into the cushions.

They sat there in silence, Jared not really sure what to say. Again he was struck by how much he didn’t know about life.

“He’s a pretty cool guy,” Sam said, nodding his head toward the kitchen.

“Jensen?”

“Yeah, he seems kinda shy but he’s got a great sense of humor. Why aren’t you guys friends anymore?”

Jared almost lied, denied it with a cliché response about separate lives and good memories, but he didn’t. The dying deserved the truth. “We stopped being friends because we couldn’t be lovers anymore.”

Sam’s eyes widened but then softened with a youthful form of sympathy, “That’s sad.”

“It is,” Jared agreed. “It’s very sad, but you know what? Life’s not really fair and it is what it is.”

Sam looked down, “It’s not fair at all.”

“And you know that better than any of us, don’t you?”

The teenager sighed and then put his hand out. Jared took it, staring at the frail pale skin as Sam spoke, “When it comes, I just want it to be me and him.” He looked away and continued, “I miss my mom and dad sometimes, but Kev’s been real good at filling in the gaps, trying to be them and stuff. I just want him to be there. Is that selfish?”

Jared shook his head, “No, not selfish at all, Sam. Not selfish at all.”

“I get Sam Winchester, you know. I didn’t at first, but I do now.”

“What do you get?” Jared let go of his hand and leaned back. He was perched on the coffee table, ready to listen.

Sam smiled at him, “He’s really alone in the world. No one quite gets what’s going on inside him, except Dean. And Dean doesn’t really know either, but that’s okay because Dean loves him anyway?”

Jared laughed, “Yeah, I guess.”

“But Sam’s always afraid that Dean’s gonna figure it out, that he’s finally going to see the poison inside him and stop loving him. And then he’d really be alone,” Sam glanced away then. “He kind of wishes Dean had let him die in the apartment with Jess.”

Jared didn’t respond.

“I think that would’ve killed Dean,” Jensen stepped into the room.

“Hey, Jensen,” Sam greeted. He glanced between the two men and then up at his brother, who had followed Jensen. “I’m kind of tired.”

Kevin nodded, “Okay, buddy, let’s get you to bed?” He leaned down and grabbed Sam’s shoulders, hefting him up gently so the boy could stand. He walked beside him as they moved to the bedroom. Kevin turned around, “I think I’ll get him settled and stay with him for a bit, so you guys can stay or head out whenever you feel like it?”

Jared recognized that it was his friend’s polite way of asking them to leave. He waved, “We’ll lock the front door on our way out.”

“Thanks,” Kevin said as he pushed the bedroom door closed.

“He’s a good kid,” Jensen murmured. “It’s a shame.”

“Let’s go,” Jared replied and they headed out. As they walked towards their cars, Jensen put out a hand and stopped him.

“Can we go somewhere and talk?”

Jared stared down at the hand and resisted the urge to shake it off. He was so tired, and Sam’s sickness just made him feel small, made all of his emotions seem petty and juvenile. “Follow me back to my place,” he whispered.

*****

_“I hate you,” Jared mumbled against his shoulder, his teeth scraping the skin, his lips sucking the flesh into his mouth. It’s as if he wanted to mark Jensen, leave his signature for her to find._

_“Don’t,” Jensen responded and tried to shift away even as his fingers curled around Jared’s arm, squeezing him tighter, his plain gold band returning the mark, leaving her signature on Jared. And that’s who he was now to Jensen – the other. The one he couldn’t have except here in the darkness of a rented apartment far away from the knowing eyes of his family, his friends._

_They lay together in the aftermath, not looking at each other, their combined sins stacking up like a house of cards just waiting for an open door to blow them down._

_“You don’t hate me,” Jensen whispered. “You want to, but you don’t.”_

_Jared stared at the ceiling for a long time before responding, “I hate who you make me.”_

****

“Nice house,” Jensen observed as they entered the living room.

“Adequate and comfortable,” Jared responded. He motioned toward the sliding glass doors, “You want to sit out there? I’ll get us some beers.”

He didn’t wait for a response. When he came back, he saw Jensen waiting on the back deck; he was hovering in the middle as if not sure where to sit or stand.

The cool Texas spring air greeted him as he stepped outside. He handed a bottle to Jensen and gestured toward the cushioned seats. They drank in silence, looking up at the canopy of Texas skyline, stars bright against the black night.

“I miss the Impala,” Jensen muttered. “I wanted that damn car so much. I even offered to buy it.”

“Why?” Jared laughed. “You couldn’t have driven it anywhere. It’d have been stolen in a heartbeat, especially if the fangirls found it.”

“Are you kidding? The fangirls would’ve put hits out on the thieves. I’m sure there’s still a reward for that damn leather jacket and ring.”

Jared laughed. He remembered this Jensen. His body filled with a nostalgia for their time together, for the laughter that came so naturally to them, between them. He’d never laughed as much as he did with Jensen, never felt as much. It was like Jensen amplified the world inside him and at the same time centered him. He’d always felt like he’d entered a whirling dervish with a compass, a fixed point inside a maelstrom. He missed that feeling most of all, but also dreaded it, especially when they wrenched themselves apart. Love in the superscript was heavenly; pain to the exponential was hell.

For the first hour or so, they kept their conversation to superficial chatter, reviewing careers and funny anecdotes, all in an effort to avoid the confrontation they both knew was coming. When Jared came back out with another beer, he found Jensen standing near the deck edge. As he handed him the beer their fingers touched, and it was like a flashback to all of those other touches. Jared snagged his hand back quickly.

“Jared,” Jensen sighed, the name saturated in a quiet sadness. “It’s been seven years.”

“It sounds so rational,” Jared began. “Seven years should be enough time to get over things, right? I mean, why carry around hurt and anger for that long? But I do, Jensen. I really do.”

Jensen turned to him, “What do you remember?”

Jared didn’t quite understand what Jensen was asking. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, when you think back on the show, on us, on me, what do you remember? What’s your first thought?”

“I don’t get what you want from me, Jensen.” Jared put the bottle down. “Maybe it’s better to just let it go, okay? I’m tired, so you can show yourself out.” He opened the door and was partway through when Jensen’s voice stopped him.

“I remember you laughing.”

Jared looked at him. Jensen didn’t look away but instead locked his gaze with Jared’s and went on.

“I remember the first time you said ‘I love you.’ I remember your dogs and how they thought you hung the moon. I remember the taste of your skin as sweet and slightly salty. I remember you with love, Jared. How do you remember me?”

Jared lifted his head, choosing to stare at the deep toned night, “I try not to, Jensen.”

“So you’ve killed me in your mind, then?”

Jared chuckled but it was a rumbling sound of sorrow and anger, “If I could’ve I’d have salted and burned your memory years ago. I didn’t kill you, Jensen. You were already dead long before we met.”

“That’s a low blow, Jared, and not fair. So totally not fair,” Jensen repeated, his tone filled with ire.

“Life ain’t fucking fair,” Jared responded, moving back toward Jensen. His body was strung tight, pulled up to its straightest pose, ready for the battle.

Jensen was about to speak when Jared’s cell started ringing. He glanced over and saw Kevin’s number flashing up at him. He grabbed it and tried to sound calm when he answered.

“Kevin?”

The other man’s voice was cutting in and out but Jared could tell he was upset.

“Going….hospital. Ambulance….can you come?”

“I’m on my way.”

Jared looked at Jensen, “Kevin’s on his way to the hospital.”

“Sam?”

“I gotta go,” Jared muttered.

“I’m coming with you,” Jensen insisted and Jared was too shaken to argue. He just nodded and they left, Jensen riding with Jared in his car.

****

Kevin, Jared, and Jensen sat outside the room as the doctors worked on Sam.

“What happened?” Jared asked when he saw Kevin. Kevin explained that Sam started convulsing during the night. He didn’t know what to do so he called 911.

They sat there for what seemed hours but was probably only an hour or less. They all stood up when Dr. Salmon exited the room. His expression was a controlled chaos of professional sadness and empathetic parent. He took Kevin by the arm and guided him to the nearby set of couches. Jared looked on helplessly.

“One of the possibilities we discussed was metastatic brain cancer,” the doctor began, and Jared saw Kevin’s shoulders start to drop. Jared reached out and laid a hand on his back.

They listened as Dr. Salmon reviewed the prognosis, trying to explain what to expect next and gently prodding Kevin to begin making arrangements and contacting family members. And while Jared knew that Kevin had been preparing himself for this, he could see the shock and utter hopelessness on the man’s face as Dr. Salmon carefully stood up and went back to Sam’s room.

“He’s gone,” Kevin whispered. “He’s not coming back, is he, Jared?”

Jared held his own tears in check but Kevin’s face was so childlike in that moment. Jared could see the brother in him, the little boy who wanted to protect his kid brother from the world and all its dangers. His heart broke as Kevin gave into his emotions and cried the soul-deep, wrenching tears of grief, the kind of sobbing that rips open the insides and forces them out through silent screams. He bent over the young man, trying to guard him against others' eyes. No one should be watched as they mourn that deeply.

When Dr. Salmon came back out, he motioned for Kevin to enter. The young man hesitated and looked at Jared. Jared then remembered Sam’s wish that it be him and Kevin together at the end.

“I’ll be here when you need me,” Jared promised.

Kevin nodded with silent thanks and headed into the room. Dr. Salmon hung back and told Jared that he’d be better off going home to rest. They’d call him when the time was near.

Neither Jared nor Jensen spoke as they drove back to the house. Jared didn’t protest when Jensen followed him in. He was too tired and sad. He’d never see Sam again.

“I’m gonna go to bed,” Jared mumbled. “You can crash on the couch or whatever.”

“Jared,” Jensen reached out and before he knew it, Jared was pulled into a hug. He wanted to push away but the intensity of his own emotions won out. He relaxed into the embrace and then as the tears welled up he clutched at Jensen’s body, clinging to the memory of their friendship, hoping it could keep him afloat.

“It’s okay,” Jensen whispered. “It’s okay.” Of course it wasn’t, but Jared needed to hear it. He mourned for Kevin, for Sam, for his own losses. He thought about his son and cried harder. He missed him. He missed everyone.

Jared felt Jensen guide him to the bedroom and sit him down on the soft mattress. He bent down and unlaced Jared’s shoes, taking them off gently, lifting his legs onto the bed. It was such a simple gesture, one that made Jared feel cherished, loved. Suddenly he pulled Jensen on top of him, not stopping to think about what he was doing.

“Jared, don’t.”

But Jared wasn’t listening. He just stared at Jensen’s lips and said, “I remember kissing you.” And then he moved his head, capturing Jensen’s mouth with his own. Lightning-fast images exploded in his mind, his body arching off the bed and flipping them over so that he was lying over Jensen. Need, white hot and catastrophic, surged through him and he grabbed Jensen’s hands, pulling them above his head. He nipped at the exposed jawline.

“Jared,” Jensen moaned out his name and Jared couldn’t stop himself from bending down, tracing a line with his tongue down Jensen’s neck, sucking at the collarbone. “Oh, god,” Jensen pushed up and Jared felt the hardline of his former lover’s body.

“You don’t want this,” Jensen told him, even as he positioned his pelvis, allowing Jared’s hips to slowly sink between his thighs.

Jared didn’t respond, just set a slow rhythm, all the while holding Jensen’s hands captive. He was afraid if he let them go, Jensen would touch him and then he’d splinter apart right there, break into a million shards of want, need, desire. He could have this, just for tonight, if he just could stay together.

“Naked,” Jensen demanded, but Jared just shook his head, continuing to kiss a path along Jensen’s neck. His brain scolded him, telling him to tear their clothes away and just collapse into the moment, but he resisted. And even as Jensen groaned out pleas for speed and friction, Jared set the pace slow, his hips rocking in miniscule winding patterns, wanting to draw it out forever, if he could. Eventually his body urged him forward, desire a cadence rushing toward completion. He lifted his head and took Jensen’s lips, breathing in the man’s broken cry, making it his own as they both shook with the climax.

Jared let go of Jensen’s wrists slowly and he felt the freed hands circle him, moving under his shirt to trace haphazard patterns down the flesh of his back. He’d missed this intimacy so much. They were fluent in the language of each other’s bodies, as if they were born with some knowledge of one another that defied the years, the pain, and the separations. This, Jared thought, was never the problem. 

“Sleep,” Jensen murmured sleepily into his hair and the exhaustion of the day took hold. He let his eyes close. He shifted his body and his head lay over Jensen’s heart, his ear pressed against the skin, the slowing heartbeat singing him to sleep. 

****

_“Look at me, you son of a bitch.”_

_Jensen turned and stared at Jared. An angry Jared filled the doorway, his fists clenched at his side, ready for the fight. Jensen didn’t respond. Instead he returned to packing, placing the last set of dvds into the box. He was pulling the tape across the lid when Jared stormed across the room, grabbing the dispenser. Their hands struggled briefly over possession but Jared’s fury won out. Jensen watched as the thing sailed through the air, landing with a thud on the kitchen tile._

_“So this is it?” Jared pushed at him, the force knocking Jensen back a few steps._

_“Fuck you, man.” He sighed and folded his arms across his chest. “You couldn’t make a decision, so I did it for you.”_

_“You could’ve had the decency to talk to me about it. I mean, you just can’t….”_

_“I can’t what?” Jensen felt his own anger surge up, mixing with bile, leaving an acrid and sour feeling somewhere in the vicinity of his chest. “I can’t leave? I can’t….”_

_“Don’t do this,” Jared pleaded. “Don’t just leave like it never happened.”_

_“Did it happen, Jared? Because to me it feels like it never even started.”_

_They stood there and stared at each other until Jensen grabbed the box. He walked toward the door but Jared stepped into his path. Jensen glanced up. Their gazes locked together and Jensen didn’t protest as the box was lifted from his arms and set carefully on the nearest table._

_“Stay with me,” Jared whispered. His voice lowered to a husky timbre, one that sent a shiver down his spine, chasing away the pain._

_“God dammit, Jared,” he replied and bent his head. “God dammit.”_

_“Stay with me.”_

_“And do what?” Jensen asked, even as he leaned closer into the touch that lightly fell on his neck, pulling him in._

_“Just stay and be, Jensen. Can’t we just be?”_

_Jensen didn’t respond except to welcome the kiss, opening to the sensations that time and again kept him in this place. He moved his arms, meaning to push Jared away but his body didn’t listen to his mind as his arms wrapped tightly around Jared’s waist._

_“One day,” he murmured as Jared laid him on the sofa._

_“Yeah, one day,” Jared replied but Jensen knew his friend didn’t understand._

_Jensen kept telling himself that one day he’d be able to finally walk out the door and stay gone. Just not today._

******

He awoke suddenly. The memories of the previous night tangled up in his mind. He turned and found an alert Jensen beside him. He looked in shock down at their bodies, the clothes pushed astray, their hips connected through layers of fabric and yet he imagined the years separating them falling down, surrounding him in a shroud of shame. He quickly lifted himself off the bed.

“Mistake,” he said, perhaps to Jensen, but more to himself.

Jensen just stared at him, his face showing a myriad of emotions that Jared didn’t want to read, didn’t want to know. He grabbed his shoes, pulling them on awkwardly as he rushed out.

“Jared!” Jensen ran after him, yelling his name, but Jared didn’t stop. He was almost out the door when two hands entrapped him, their palms leaning against the door, pushing against it. He jerked the knob but it barely opened before Jensen was slamming it shut again.

“Fuck, you’re strong,” Jared mumbled as Jensen turned him around, slamming him into the door. The knob jutted against his hip, biting into the skin. More bruises to add to the list of Jensen-induced injuries.

“This is not happening again,” Jensen yelled, his face close enough that Jared could count the fading freckles across his nose.

“Let me go,” Jared warned. Feelings tangled inside his mind and he wanted out before he said things he didn’t mean and the things he did.

“Fuck you!” Jensen shouted as he let him go. “Fuck you, man. You always do this shit! Always leave me behind to pick up the fucking mess, to be the fucking mess! Fuck you!” He grabbed Jared’s shirt, “Remember the night before my wedding?! You left me there, just left. You don’t know….I gave you everything.”

“Everything?” Jared’s voice rose, matching Jensen’s. “Everything?! You were the one, man. Don’t you even fucking pretend that it was nearly as important to you as it was to me. I loved you with all I had!” 

He slammed his fists into Jensen’s chest, sending the man back on his heels, “I married a girl I couldn’t love because of you. I wanted to love her, man. I needed to, but no, you fucked me up. Every time I tried to move on, you were there. I broke so many promises for you, and you didn’t care! You just let me, even fucking encouraged me! What was that?!”

Jensen stared at him, “You say that now, Jared. But do you remember? Do you really remember what it was? It was choices you couldn’t make so I had to. So fuck you, man. Do you think I wanted my life to be this?”

“Your life is what you made it and according to some tabloids, you’ve been enjoying it pretty damn well,” Jared replied sarcastically, the words caustic and brutal.

“Jared,” Jensen started towards him. He felt exposed and naked, instantly regretting the words. It wasn’t any of his damn business what or who Jensen did.

“Don’t,” he walked a few feet away. “It’s nothing now. Water under the bridge, past is past, yada yada, right?”

The hand that Jensen had reached out suddenly dropped. “I just wanted you to have what you wanted,” Jensen spoke softly, his subdued tone incoherent against the backdrop of rage in the room. “I wanted you to have everything, don’t you see?”

Jared shook his head, the anger just fleeing, leaving him hollowed out and vacant. “Do you know how many lives we changed, perhaps even destroyed, because of this?” His hand motioned back and forth between them, “And for what? To end up here, again? You want to know what the everything I wanted was, Jensen? Everything was you. All I wanted was you.”

They stood there for several minutes, letting the silence eat away at them until finally Jensen moved toward the door. “I’m sorry, Jared, for whatever you think I did or didn’t do. I’m sorry. I know I didn’t say the things you needed to hear, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t feel them. I loved you. I know you don’t believe it or remember it, but I did. More than anything.” He looked out at the back deck and not at Jared as he said, “I think it’s best if we don’t do the convention. With Sam and Kevin and everything, I just think it’s best …”

Jared didn’t disagree. It was too much. They’d never convince anyone that they were friends, that they were even on friendly terms, and that would be an insult to the show’s history. Neither one of them was that good at acting.

“Yeah,” Jared nodded and opened the door. It was a sad ending, this quiet withdrawal.

Jensen left and didn’t look back as Jared closed the door. This time there were no calls through the wood, just silence and its companion, regret.

“I loved you more,” he whispered.

*****

Jared got the phone call at 7:30am. He rushed to the hospital and was running down the corridor when he saw Kevin sitting in the chair outside Sam’s room. His head hung low and Jared knew by the slant of his shoulders that Sam was gone.

“Jared,” Kevin stood up and let himself be wrapped in Jared’s arms. They stood there for several minutes, not speaking, just being. Both remembering the young boy who’d changed their lives.

“I never got to thank him,” Jared said as they moved to the sitting area. They settled on the couch together.

“For what?” Kevin asked, his hand pushing the tears off his cheeks.

“For making me fall in love with the Winchesters again. I kind of forgot how awesome they were.”

Kevin laughed, “Yeah, they were pretty damn special. I understand Dean, that’s for sure.” It was a gallows’ humor comment but Jared understood. Sometimes the best laughs are the saddest ones.

“Speaking of…where’s Jensen?”

Jared looked away. He didn’t want to bother Kevin with their drama, especially not now. “We’ll talk about it later, okay? Right now, what do you need me to do?”

Kevin stared at him for a moment but then seemed to change direction immediately, all the details of death demanding his attention. He asked Jared to call some distant relatives while Kevin took care of the arrangements.

An hour or so later, Kevin came back and sat next to Jared. They would be leaving the hospital soon, but Kevin wanted to stay until the funeral home representatives arrived. Jared suspected he just wanted to see his brother’s body one last time before they took it away.

“If you guys don’t mind, I’d like to say a few things about Sam at the convention this weekend.” Kevin said as he sat down.

Jared sighed, “About that. Do you think it’s a good idea? I mean with Sam and all?”

“Of course it’s a good idea! That show raised his spirits during the last year of his life, Jared. It’s the most appropriate memorial service I could give him….why?” Kevin stared at him, “What happened, Jared?”

“Jensen and I think it’s best if we don’t do the convention,” Jared told him, avoiding the man’s gaze. He didn’t go into details, refused to relive the confrontation even to offer an explanation.

“God, you are a selfish prick,” Kevin exhaled the insult on a deep breath.

“What?” Jared was struck by the anger in his friend’s voice.

“I don’t know if it’s willful ignorance or some kind of hysterical emotional blindness, but dude, if you can’t see that the guy’s in love with you then I don’t know what to say to you.”

“It’s not about love, Kevin,” Jared defended. “It’s about things we can’t undo, even for love.”

“You know what can’t be undone, Jared? Death and all the things you didn’t do but could have, should have.” Kevin rose up and stood over him, “You both made mistakes. You both made decisions that caused you pain. Suck it up, Padalecki. You got a chance at getting something back. A friendship, a lover, hell even a casual acquaintance – either way, you have a shot at having a person back in your life who was important to you. You have a chance most others would give their arms and legs for. And you’re going to blow it because of history? Because you can’t unmake your bed? Boo-fucking-hoo. Make another fucking bed.”

“Kevin,” Jared knew the anger stemmed from the last few months so he tried to not take it personally.

“And according to the contract you both signed you are obligated to attend, so unless you want me to own your house, you’ll man up and act like adults instead of teenage girls.”

“You wouldn’t,” Jared responded and he watched Kevin’s anger deflate.

“No, I wouldn’t, but I totally should.” Kevin sat back down and stared at Jared. “I’m not gonna guilt you into it, Jared. Not even for Sam. But I am going to ask you this question and I want you to answer it honestly, okay?”

And although he knew the question was about Jensen, he agreed. “I will.”

“Do you think he came for the convention?” 

“Well, yeah,” Jared answered. That seemed like a pretty simple question.

“Then you’re a dumbass. Now go talk to him and both of you do your jobs, if nothing else.” Kevin reached out and tore a corner piece of paper from a few days old newspaper. He wrote down something and slipped it to Jared. It was the hotel Jensen was staying at. Kevin looked at him, “Go to him.”

At that point the funeral home director arrived and Kevin’s attention was called to more important things. Jared watched as they entered Sam’s room. And he left, not wanting to intrude on these last moments.

*****

_“So what are you planning to do after?”_

_Jensen started at the question. They’d just learned about the final season pick up, had known it was coming but it still seemed shocking somehow._

_“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “I guess work. It’s gonna be weird. I got used to this thing.”_

_“Yeah, me too.”_

_They sat there for a long time, neither speaking, letting the news sink into their minds slowly. The end was near, slipping away into the quicksand of time._

_“It’s been a good run,” he finally spoke._

_Jared laughed, “Yeah, it has. I thought we’d grow old together on this show.” What might have been a joke in previous years fell flat between them, both of them cringing at the image it invoked._

_He was about to speak when one of the producers came by and patted them both on the back, his voice loud and jovial as he sung, “It’s the final countdown, oh ho oh!”_

_They both chuckled, but Jensen knew his laugh was just another aspect of the character he had created, the one off-screen, the one that pretended life would go on._

*****

Jared wandered out to the car and drove aimlessly back to the house. He thought about Kevin’s words, about what they meant. Could he have that chance or was it just Kevin’s own need to believe in the promise of life that drove his words? He parked the car in the driveway and walked without looking toward the house. He was about to put his key in the door when his foot hit something. He glanced down at the plain brown paper bag.

He picked it up and opened the folded flap. At first he wasn’t sure what to make of the contents. He pulled the items out and then all of sudden he knew. The t-shirt unfurled in his hands, an old Longhorns shirt he’d owned years ago. He let the rest of the garments fall to the ground, watching as they billowed open and landed in a strange pattern on the white stone. These were the clothes he left behind that night at the hotel, the last night they were together. He’d never sent for them and he’d always kind of regretted it, if just because he abandoned the t-shirt in his hands, the one he wore almost every night to bed.

A note was pinned to the front of the shirt. It simply said, “Just returning what you forgot.”

Then, all of a sudden there on the stoop of the house he never really felt at home in, Jared was hit by the memories he'd refused to let enter his mind for so long. Images along with their repressed emotions flashed through him, rocking his body into stillness.

_The compassion of a full body laugh_  
 _The firm handshake of a first meeting_  
 _The companionship of a late night conspirator_  
 _The trust in a strong arm wrapped around his torso_  
 _The dependability of splayed fingers laid against his spine_  
 _The seduction of a broken and whispered "I love you"_

The last few days crystallized in his mind. Kevin’s words echoed through his head as he ran back to the car and drove furiously toward Jensen’s hotel. He didn’t know what he was doing but just let the feeling carry him. For so long he’d lived in a past, a past occupied by decisions he made and the decisions he should’ve made. For too long he’d let life happen. An image of Sam came to his mind. This young boy lived a short life, never able to find that kind of love, prevented from living a life full. Jared had no excuse for his emptiness. He pulled into the hotel parking lot and parked in the valet lane. As he rushed into the hotel, the valet yelled for his keys. He didn’t turn back.

“I need Jensen Ackles’s room number,” he told the front desk clerk. She glanced up with little hurry, her perfectly coifed bun stiff with hairspray.

“I’m sorry but we don’t have a customer by that name,” she responded and went back to typing.

“Yes, you do,” Jared said, his fingers tapping against the counter. “Please call him and let him know that Jared is in the lobby. Please?” He was trying to be polite but he had to hold down the urge to cover her keyboard.

“Sir, we don’t….”

He didn’t let her finish, “Okay, fine, no Jensen Ackles. How ‘bout Dean Winchester?”

She looked at him skeptically but he noted the flash of recognition cross her face, “John Winchester?”

She shook her head but this time she had a small smile.

“Oh, fuck me, Sam Winchester?”

“Room 341, but you’re too late, sir. He left about ten minutes ago, for the airport.”

Jared was already running out the door when she called out, “Delta!”

“Hey, kid!” Jared pulled the valet to him. “How long ago did Jensen Ackles leave? And don’t even pretend like you don’t know who I’m talking about.”

The guy’s frightened eyes stared up at him as he pointed. “That’s him.”

Jared turned and watched as the limo pulled out of the driveway into traffic. “Oh, fuck me,” Jared muttered as he ran to his truck. He hopped in and raced after the limo, not really knowing what the hell he was going to do but for the first time in years feeling reckless enough to do just about anything. He glanced over at the t-shirt and smiled.

He followed the limo closely, hoping to stop it before it got on the highway. He pulled up alongside the car and started beeping his horn, but the driver ignored him.

“Hey, buddy!!!!!” Jared yelled out the window and then cursed. The window was closed. He pushed the button frantically but the car was driving away

“Fuck!” Jared sped up and was about to just pull in front of the damn thing and hope for the best when he saw the car turn its blinker on and drive into the nearest parking lot.

Jared was barely out of the door when he heard Jensen.

“What the hell were you doing, Padalecki?” Jensen rounded the front of the car and stood there. “You almost got yourself killed back there, dude. You ran a red light in a turn lane, you idiot.”

“I needed to talk to you,” Jared offered. He was struck dumb because now he had no idea what he was doing, what he wanted to say.

Jensen pulled his phone out of his pocket, “See this? It’s called a phone. People talk on it. Meet modern technology, Jared.”

Jared stood there and stared at Jensen.

“Well?” Jensen snapped. “What did you want to say? Want to berate me some more? Make it quick. I have a flight out in an hour.”

Jared tapped his foot and thought about what he wanted to say. He was still thinking when Jensen threw his hands up and started walking back to the limo.

“I remember Twizzlers,” Jared shouted. “And uh, I remember your stupid, childish smile that made you look like a little boy and that creeped me out because I was sleeping with you but it also made me happy because you looked so joyful.”

Jensen didn’t turn around but Jared noted how his shoulders straightened, so he continued, “I remember your perfectionist ways, especially when you were directing and how cute it was because it meant you really cared about the show. I remember how much you hated conventions but loved them too. I remember the first time you screamed out my name during sex and I thought that was cool because…” 

He didn’t get to finish as Jensen turned suddenly and stared at him.

“Do you remember what I said to you that last night?”

******

_Jensen laid his hands across Jared’s back, his fingers lightly tracing the sweat as it travelled down the hills and dips of muscle. He bent and placed a soft kiss against the tanned, smooth skin._

_“I love you,” he whispered. He heard the desperation in his own voice. This was it. The final chance. Give me a reason to give it all up, he thought. Make me choose you._

_“Don’t,” Jared replied as he shifted his body, not away but over. Jensen felt the distance as if Jared had suddenly jumped into another dimension. He could see him but he couldn’t touch him._

_“Remember me well,” Jensen mouthed the words, knowing that it was the only goodbye he would get. But he couldn’t bring himself to say them, to put sound to the fear. He didn’t want to sleep. If he slept, he’d wake up to the rest of his life, the one haunted by Jared’s ghost._

_“Rest.”_

_Jensen smiled at the soft rebuke. Rest was for the content, for the happy. Rest was not for him._

*******

Jared looked at Jensen, his eyes never wavering as he said, “I remember you, Jensen. I remember wanting you. And I remember leaving you.”

Jensen closed the gap between them. “Remember me well,” he whispered as he leaned in. Jared met him halfway and their lips met in a kiss filled with remorse and ecstasy, a heady mix of longing, love, and regret.

Jared’s hand opened and the shirt fell to the ground between them. Jensen looked down and said, “You got the message.”

Jared laughed and picked up the shirt. He folded the fabric around Jensen’s neck, using it to pull him closer. “I got the message. Sorry it took so long for me to pick it up. But I needed you to know that I remember loving you…and I remember you loved me, too.”

They smiled at each other as the driver coughed. “Mr. Ackles, I assume you’ll not need that ride to the airport?”

Jared answered for him, “No, Jeeves, he already has a ride. You can take off.”

“Jeeves, really?” Jensen mocked as he got in the truck.

“Jeeves is a cool ass-name, Ackles. You only wish you had a cool name like that. Jensen’s a name for a pet poodle or chihuahua.”

“Oh, screw you,” Jensen made to get out of the car but Jared just shut the door on him and smiled as he heard his friend cursing through the window pane.

“So many quarters in the curse jar. So many.” At that point Jensen started making hand gestures.

Jared got in and stopped Jensen’s muttering with a quick kiss. “Want to come home with me?” Jared asked with a wink.

Jensen’s face turned serious for a moment. “How about you come home with me? Stay with me, Jared.”

Jared’s hand paused over the ignition, “What?” He was reminded of long-ago conversations in apartments, airports, and their aftermath. He looked over at Jensen and knew from his expression that he too remembered. 

“You’ve been gone too long, Jared. We miss you.” Jensen reached out and lifted Jared’s hand away from the key. He laid their palms against each other’s, letting their fingers fold together. “Come home, Jared. Don’t you think you’ve been gone long enough?”

He tugged on Jensen’s hand, who refused to let go. “Not going away again, Jared.”

“I have a life,” Jared began but he felt the lie in his bones. Besides his work, he really had no connections here anymore. His life was really where Jensen was, where his son was. His life was in California. He choked back a sob as he realized how far he’d strayed.

“Yes, you have a life, with me. Come home.”

“Jensen,” Jared sighed. Jensen shifted his body so he was facing Jared fully. 

“You asked me years ago to stay, Jared. And I did. I did it again and again. You know why?”

Jared remained silent. His only response was a slight shrug. 

“I know I'm not much for words, but I always thought what I did mattered, you know? But maybe you need to hear me say it? I stayed because no matter how much it hurt, I was always better with you than without you. And these past few years? I don’t know about you but they damn well sucked for me.”

“Me too,” Jared muttered. 

“I don’t want to be that guy anymore, Jared.” 

“What guy?” 

Jensen smiled sadly, “The guy who looks at every face hoping he’ll see your face. The guy who’s tried hard to replace you and just can’t because every time he thinks he’s moved on, he remembers that you were the best thing that ever happened to him, even when you were the worst thing that happened. Don’t you see? I stayed because I had to. Because you asked me to.” 

Jared nodded. He couldn’t speak but Jensen knew and understood. He reached out and laid his palm against Jared’s cheek. “Let’s finish our jobs here and then we’ll go home, okay?”

Jensen let go of Jared’s hand so he could start the car. Jared pulled out on the street and headed back to the house with the feeling of finally being able to go home.

**Epilogue**

“I said I would not host family cookouts,” Jared yelled as the fire shot up from the grill. “I said this because I knew I would have to cook.”

“Shut it, Padalecki,” Gen responded as she bounced her year-old son on her knee. “You love to cook because it makes you feel all manly. Fire, good. Meat, good. I make meat with fire. I am good.” She shot a glance toward Jensen and held up her hand, “And if you make some disgusting remark about him setting your meat on fire, I will kick you in the balls.”

“What?!” Jensen looked offended. “You’re confusing your ex’s humor with mine. I have more class, thank you.”

“Oh, yeah, you do, Captain of the Underpants Enterprise,” Gen retorted as she giggled at her young son. “Do you ever actually work in clothes?”

“Ha! Yes!” Jared reached out and gave her a high five.

Jensen shook his head, “That’s totally disrespecting the tradition. Totally. You should be ashamed of yourselves.”

“You’re telling me,” Kevin Drake drolled out as he came into the back yard. Jensen and Jared hugged him as he set down the basket he brought. Kevin was visiting from Texas. The hospital wing had been named and dedicated the previous month, and both of them had flown out to be there for it. They’d insisted he come out to California for the Memorial Day weekend. The past year had been tough in spots for the younger man, but he was getting better.

After the dinner and as everyone was hanging around chatting, Kevin took Jared aside and gave him a package. “It’s from Lulu,” Kevin said as he placed it in Jared’s hand. Of all the things he missed about Texas, Miss Brookner had been one of the few. She still occasionally emailed him questions, but they stopped being daily back in the fall when she was putting together her application packets for college.

He opened the package and recognized the item immediately. It was an old tin can, probably the left over remnant of a flower pot. It had a dent in the middle. A note stuck out from the can and he picked it out and read.

_Thank you, Mr. Padalecki. For writing letters for me. For listening. For caring. For giving Sam and me a chance to know you and the Winchesters. We both learned a lot about ourselves and the world. As I start my new life in the fall I’ve realized I had to let some parts of my old life go, so I hope you take this as the gift it’s meant to be._

_Remember, things are only ever bent, never broken._

“What’s that?” Jared looked up at Jensen and smiled.

“It’s a metaphor,” Jared whispered and set the can down on the fireplace mantle, next to the photo of himself and Jensen from last year’s convention.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [classroom](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5670007) by [risowator](https://archiveofourown.org/users/risowator/pseuds/risowator)




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